John’s high GPA
Proves he got good grades
And apparently abstained
From drink and darker play,
Which leads me to proclaim:
Those undergrads at Duke
Must not drink until they puke.
For if an Extrovert like John
From a party school was spawned,
Yet walked across that stage
On Graduation Day
Claiming honors all the way,
Surely he refrained?

(Somebody just go ahead and shoot me).