LAB REPORT: Grooming Rituals of the Female Homo-Sapien

Area of Study:
The Grooming Rituals of a female Homo Sapien.
Applicable Lab Rat Varieties:
Not Young, Exceptionally Tall, Bony, Angular, Tall, Very Tall, Even Taller
Experiment:
Observe the female bathing in a small-to-standard-sized human bathtub.
Observation by Steps:
1. The female runs the bath (note: unlike similar lab rats, this one maintains a steady stream of self-conversation).
2. The female proceeds to “envelop herself” into the water-full bathtub.
3. She next commences to soap, scrub, and groom herself for approximately 30 minutes.
4. She removes the drain plug, emptying the tub of water until
5. The 3 inch mark of 🛟“NO BUOYANCY LEFT”🛟, at which point
6. She appears to notice soap bubbles affixed to her lower torso.
7. Seemingly startled, she rushes to replug the drain and
8. Then flips her significant “bone structure” into the PRONE (‘face-first’) position, which
9. Does NOT appear to be conformable to the Lab Rat, yet she
10. Maintains it for an additional 5 minutes, grimacing significantly for the last 2 until
11. Exiting the tub, thus completing the Observation Cycle.
Questions for Further Study:
1. Which similar Human lab rats WOULD get into a prone position in 3” of water in a bathtub?
2. Which Humans COULD get into a prone position in 3” of water in a bathtub?
3. Which Humans SHOULD get into a prone position in 3” of water in a bathtub?
Most Important Question:
WHY would Any Human get into a prone position in 3” of water in a bathtub?
We asked the Lab Rat.
Her Replies:
“The best laid plans of of Mice & Men often go awry” and
“Shit happens.”

PRIORITIES PLEASE


Instagram needs a little help
Prioritizing.

They’ll shut you down for accidentally
using music recorded by an artist
to APPLAUD said artist.

But Child Porn?
No problem with THAT problem!

I guess those who can pay
for vigilant protection,
Get it?

To Be Perfectly Honest

HONESTLY PERFECT

To be perfectly honest,
I’m tired of being perfectly honest.
It’s exhausting.
No one is perfectly honest back,
I’m constantly getting myself into trouble,
and
I always keep my stories straight.
The unacknowledged problems are obvious.

A Fanciful Story for my Friends

Sigh…beautiful AND intelligent:
the curse I’m sure you’re ALL intimately familiar with Yourselves
❣️

‼️NOTICE‼️

I felt compelled to issue one of my standard ALARMS today that reads in a pulsing banner across the Recipient’s smartphone screen:

“Jennifer’s very sorry to break this to you, but:
‘she’s intelligent’.
Like I said, she apologizes and realizes this comes as a shock to you.
She KNOWS you’re in shock right now- she just does.

And like I said, she’s sorry.
However, she plans on changing nothing.

Not a single-ass thing.
Capiche?”

I’m considering having tee-shirts made to save myself some time and effort. No exclamation points, fancy grammar, or fancy spelling would be necessary.

What size do you want yours in?

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

[Photo courtesy of The United States Geological Survey, and exhibit A in my argument].

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

If you have a moment to spare (ridiculous, I know), and you want to indulge someone you barely or hardly know:

Write down your entire, full legal name.
Then read it aloud.

What does it Tell the world about You?

When I look at mine, scoured of its former marital appellations and exactly as it was bestowed upon me on my Birth Day,
It not only Says – it Screams – the word WASP.

I haven’t heard this term in decades. I believe because it’s considered “pejorative” since it ‘relies’ on racial and ethnic stereotyping.

But look, I’m just being honest.
If Someone looks like a 🐝 and buzzes like a Bee…
Well what is She?

The stinger is: I wonder how many decisions are made ABOUT me which IMPACT me based on THE DECIDER’S assumptions about MY Name.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like getting stung like that.

Women & Hair

WOMEN & HAIR

Why are women obsessed with hair?
Why is this expense always spared
From budget cuts and resource cuts
Yet hair the only thing we cut?
Or wax away from ourselves?

The only thing there’s not enough of
Is the Hair upon Our Heads.
The only hair there’s way too much of
Is Any Hair Somewhere Else.

If You Could Only Use 20 Adjectives to Describe Yourself

(Did I forget to add hearing-impaired to the list? Apparently her left ear swallowed her earbud speaker; and #verbose of course, though we were trying to keep it to 20)

If You Could Only Use 20 Adjectives to Describe Yourself

1. Highly imaginative
2. Quick-witted
3. Well-vocabularized
4. Well-educated
5. Well-traveled
6. Well-traumatized
8. Well-self-examined
9. Disillusioned but still Illusioned
11. Cynically Naive
12. Typically Subtle though Atypically Blatant
13. Possessing a filthy sense of humor!
14. Full-on Analytical
15. Intensely Playful
16. Intensely Intense
17. Cryptically Extroverted
18. Loquaciously Introverted
19. Agoraphobically Attention-Seeking
20. Floating Peacefully
21. Floating Turbulently
22. Outwardly [Undoubtedly, Irrefutably, and Categorically-Affirmed to be] Stunning

But none of this is news to anyone.

Topic: Heavy vs. Lite, Spoken vs. Written

My Softer Side has been spent,
Ejected and Torn from me;
Completely rent,
Ripped, empty, hollow, gone.

Once gladly I gushed on and on
And on and on.
Are my bursts and fits and starts
Of Joy missed by Some or Anyone?

Or am I The One who got it wrong
For far too Short
And Way too long?
The one who Sang the same old songs
Hesitantly; her voice not strong?

Once Bright against Life’s Monochrome,
Now concealed, she Fades to Gray
And Color is the Distant World
Whose distance is so very long;

Far Enough to make its
Occasional Occupations
Available To Girls
On Lists
Pared to be spare,
Sparse, and dense,
Condensed, Abridged;
Basically “not long”.

First of all:
This is Wrong.
Secondly:
Who belongs
In Homes which house a Girl
Dropped by All and
On her Own?

Lastly, did she deserve her Drowning?
Her Public Downing?
Into Gutters, where
Parts of What She Used To Be
Cough and Sputter;
The Only Bursts of Life Her corpse,
Which rots itself of Flesh and Bone
To sound the News;
The Final Rattle Shaken
And Death the Victor in this Battle?

Her Precious Essence was Stolen, Taken
Forcefully, leaving Her Remains Undiscovered;
Essentially forsaken,
Left to Catch the Tears Alone
That signaled she was breaking.

No Saviors Saved,
All certain she was faking.
Her Flaws like fleas, All could see
Hopping, Jumping, Raking,
Dragging her against hot coals
For reasons of mistaking
SELF-Concern for Her-Concern:

THIS Mistake,
In the End,
Consumed HER for ITs making.

A FOREGONE CONCLUSION

Life has surely broken me.
I’ve flunked out at Everything.
Why consider equally
When Options just desert Me?
Forgive not pointed sharp for me;
Still grimed up, I cannot see
A single reason surfacing,
Hiding Places changing
Constantly
And arbitrarily
Disappoint inevitably:
Never, Ever, Frequently
Only end up baffle-ing
That the Ones who stuck by Me
Were No One and Nobody.
The Needed ones Abandoned me,
Never even wanted me.
Been let down by Everything
And 100% of Practically
All and Every
One and Single Thing,
Left for dead and wasting
To a husk of Me.

So What’s the point,
Sharpened pointedly,
When you will only
Start new things?
Old ones failing,
Interest lost and dropping,
Forcing hands repeatedly.
Home to pack a bag and leave,
All doors slammed resoundingly,
Locks all changed and shut to me.
Happy Endings Abruptly.

Don’t care what you do to me.
Lost my sensitivity,
Burning hurts so painfully,
Once Angry scars
Protect My Heart
From the Hope,
Now lost to me;
It doesn’t hurt, just disappoints.
I have no mass, I’ve been disjoined,
Won’t shatter when you drop me.

All do eventually;
A mere eventuality,
Forgone Conclusively.

(Thanks for use of the photo, @sashafreemind )

HER CONSUMING MISTAKE

My Softer Side has been spent,
Ejected and Torn from me;
Completely rent,
Ripped, empty, hollow, gone.

Once gladly I gushed on and on
And on and on.
Are my bursts and fits and starts
Of Joy missed by Some or Anyone?

Or am I The One who got it wrong
For far too Short
And Way too long?
The one who Sang the same old songs
Hesitantly; her voice not strong?

Once Bright against Life’s Monochrome,
Now concealed, she Fades to Gray
And Color is the Distant World
Whose distance is so very long;

Far Enough to make its
Occasional Occupations
Available To Girls
On Lists
Pared to be spare,
Sparse, and dense,
Condensed, Abridged;
Basically “not long”.

First of all:
This is Wrong.
Secondly:
Who belongs
In Homes which house a Girl
Dropped by All and
On her Own?

Lastly, did she deserve her Drowning?
Her Public Downing?
Into Gutters, where
Parts of What She Used To Be
Cough and Sputter;
The Only Bursts of Life Her corpse,
Which rots itself of Flesh and Bone
To sound the News;
The Final Rattle Shaken
And Death the Victor in this Battle?

Her Precious Essence was Stolen, Taken
Forcefully, leaving Her Remains Undiscovered;
Essentially forsaken,
Left to Catch the Tears Alone
That signaled she was breaking.

No Saviors Saved,
All certain she was faking.
Her Flaws like fleas, All could see
Hopping, Jumping, Raking,
Dragging her against hot coals
For reasons of mistaking
SELF-Concern for Her-Concern:

THIS Mistake,
In the End,
Consumed HER for ITs making.

Their Relationship!

THEIR RELATIONSHIP….

intensified;
It accelerated
at an Alarming Rate!

Quick, like that of a
Drunk & Horny
Nymphomaniac
Serendipitously
Falling in Lust
with a fellow
Drunk & Horny
Nymphomaniac
at Closing Time
On the Night of Your Choice.

In other words, they hit it off.

Special Alert❗️

Notice!

Slapping is no longer allowed.
It’s actually illegal. so you gonna wanna take this seriously: no slapping OF ANY KIND will be tolerated. We couldn’t agree on what “slapping” someone actually means, so we decided to just outlaw it.

So no butt slaps, people.
No indignant slaps when a Brute says something course and your Honor demands a slap across the cheek that smarts a bit; those slaps have been illegal since the 1990s, folks.
And those little touchy ass-slaps Professional Athletes give each other?
Illegal!
CC TV will be implemented in every human brain, and any slapping violations will externally be un-tolerated and internally be consumed to serve the Entertainment Needs of CCTV staff.
So if you see me, PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME!! I honestly can’t do the prison time right now.
Probably the only place where Slapping is still allowed.
I don’t know, I’m sure there are some juvenile exceptions to the rule. If you’re confused, ask your mother.

What is Truth?

WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

It’s what happened.

Viewed through the lenses of:
recollection,
memory,
emotion,
childhood trauma,
adult trauma,
bad relationships,
co-occurring events, and
overall comfort level at the time.

Mixed with:
Years and Years of
cumulative and
varying degrees of
conjecture,
hearsay,
repeat tellings,
belief indoctrination,
party identification,
internet connection.
gender affiliation,
generational generation,
false assumptions,
mistaken and uncorrected inaccuracies,
believed falsities,
and Lies we tell Ourselves.

All shadowed by the
Things Our Subconscious Doesn’t
Want Us to Know or
Even Know it Knows.

Therein somewhere,
Spiraling and Spinning
Ever-Deep and downward,
You’ll find a Tiny Kernel of truth,

Lying there, alone.

Like a piece of cheese.