MAGNUM OPUS: The Downward Spiral of The Last Five Ends in Joy
When I get out of balance (physical pain + emotional blows with no relief), I start getting scared. My perspective gets distorted by my own pain, And I can’t tell my friends from my enemies. The problem is, 99% of the time, I am my Worst Enemy. So in addition to being in “pain all over,” My thoughts have no place to land. This creates a toxic imbalance in my body, resulting in Me in an Extended Version of the Emotional and Physical Fetal Position, As if warding off cosmic blows. It’s not the LEAST BIT comforting, though.
I don’t even know how long these periods last some times. It finally erupts into a Dark Place, Both emotionally and physically. I’ve never written about this before, but I have been diagnosed with a Neurovascular Disorder called Erythromelalgia. It’s sometimes called “Man on Fire Disease” or “The Suicide Disease.” And it’s earned its Title! Sadly, it’s so exceptionally rare, you can’t find a neurologist whose even heard of it, So there’s very little information out there. Which compounds my anxiety. That’s the sad case with rare diseases. With no Big Pharma backing, research dollars can’t be found. It’s a disorder of the autonomous nervous system. I “lost” the ability to release heat from my system about 5 years ago. So, if I combine ambient heat with exertion (it’s extremely hot where I live), I get heat stroke without realizing it. Until I’ve got heat stroke. Which keeps me indoors, Avoiding life because of my fear of getting violently ill Should I carry in too-many too-heavy bags of groceries from my car to my apartment. It’s cooler in there, but it can be dark in there, and alone and scary in there. Alone to feel shame at not being live like a “normal person,” And not being able to regulate heat, can’t vent the shame Without the shame surfacing as blushing fire through the skin On too many parts of my body. It’s very humiliating for me to write about, But since there’s no cure or, in my case, effective treatment for Erythromelalgia, And because I got off all anti-depressants, and pain meds and anti-anxiety only in emergency And not for emotional coping, You can see how my Poems and this blog have been my constant companions over the last year. This was my last secret to write about, Because it’s One Thing which has bested me And nearly ruined me. What with the limitations it imposes, I felt it made me “unworthy as a companion.” So that took away my hopes for the happiness I hoped to one day find in the company of a partner. Which used the be the “safe place where my thoughts would land” as a coping mechanism. They have no idea how or why I acquired it (again, no research), So they default to the overdose of highly neurotoxic chemo I had when I was 39 years old, Fighting breast cancer. But since I was given no “Why,” I first switched to “Why Not” in an effort to “embrace the pain.” That might work for some of you Mental Athletes, but this girl already HAD a frail state to begin! Like: I was mentally and emotionally fried and too-feeling at the same time to handle “thought mastery!” So, I decided to “burn the shame out of me,” So I could at least feel safe inside my head. I had to find a harbor for my mind or I would give up. The only way I’ve been able to do this is through writing, So I mean it when I say this blog has saved me life. And I have discovered my own voice in the process! It has been a 3000% net joyful experience for me, Even if a painful and tearful one. I’m re-writing a story without a pre-determined ending (see my poem, A Foregone Conclusion – or something like that! It was birthed in MUCHAS LAGRIMAS! Many tears!). I actually believe in Miracles again. I had totally forgotten about Miracles, having no recent or long term memory of them. So anyway, final shame vented, But I don’t care how anybody prices me! My price is DOWN TO ME, and I DECIDED I’m PRICELESS. That’s good enough for me! So thank you, dear friends, for helping me discover my voice, discover my worth, and to re-grow my jaded belief in Miracles❣️
LOVER OF THE COLLECTIVE & PERSONAL “HE” & “SHE”: HUMANITY
Broken. OK With It. Sparkle Most Radiantly When Blended and/or Paired. Individually Stronger Than Originally Thought. Capable of Incredibly Courageous Acts. Passion. Compassion. Welcome Home! Welcome Back! I’ve Missed You So Much! Dream Architects. Lifelong Learners of Both and Each. Seek Wholeness in Self. Seek Greatest Potential in Relationship. Great Times. Mediocre Times. Tough Times. Life-Threatening Times. Devotion, Dedication, and Commitment in All Times. Don’t Take Pain Out On Others. If Pain Taken Out On Others, Sincerely Apologize for Any Pain Inflicted. Put Both Loves First. Sacrifice One for the Other to Become a Best Both & Each. Capable of True Love. SOLE Home of True Love. Is LOVE.
P.S. Convicted by my own damn poem! I NEVER post my poems on Facebook, but my poem compelled me. It’s why Poetry makes me a Better Lover of He & She❣️
He works behind the scenes, Designing worlds of Magic For his Precious Girl, He sees the Princess in the Whirl Winds her down to calm again. His shoulder comforts at days’ end Into nights where long He longs to love-express Be seen and loved for his Best Self. He’s loved all day, it might not show There’s just One Place he calls his Home.
Though her beauty is unparalleled, She doesn’t see herself. More heart-on-sleeve Than ice queen, More You-ist Than opportunist, Unlike others but Cares about others. She’s extraordinary, With a kind arm and A soft word. She’s superior, A cut above the others, She opens up to others. She has a mango smell And an intoxicating scent Which compel Towards her eyes, Deep liquid sighs. She shines too bright, She’s filled with Light, She spills it out, She gifts, it spouts, Transparency She gives for free. She’s beauty-blind, She’s very kind, She’s Femininity.
At a very young age (around aged 3), I developed an “insecure attachment style.”
Then the pattern repeated itself.
Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself.
Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself.
Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself. Then the pattern repeated itself.
10,000, 000 hours of therapy and “self-help practices” later,
The pattern is repeating itself.
The only difference is I’m aware The pattern is repeating itself.
It’s a GREAT START, though! It makes me feel more “sane and secure” when I’m aware History is trying to repeat itself.
The patterns color my history, but my awareness of them shows ME how strong I’ve been the entire time.
I’m not shooting for “happily ever after,” but rather “hopefully-awareful-and-content.”