I. MUST BE
•Overly-Sensitive to Light
•Unafraid of the Dark
II. MUST POSSESS
1. A PAST Littered With:
•Memories of Extasy
2. A PRESENT Marked By:
•Pervasive, Persistent Longing
•Innumerable Unmet Needs
•Growing Childishness, and an
•Increasing Focus Inwards.
3. A FUTURE Colored by:
•Tides not Turning
•Fear and Loathing Everywhere
•Faded Beauty, and
•An Inability to Dream Anymore
III: MUST HAVE
BAKE FOR AT LEAST 25 YEARS IN TEMPS AS HOT AS HELL (or 900 degrees, to be safe).
With me, you have to strike while the iron is hot,
And my iron is hot for about 3 days.
I’m not a “ hit her up down the road” kind of girl.
If you miss the 3-day window,
Just 2 short days later,
Once I’ve lost any mental trace or shred of recollection of you,
You can start over.
I’ve just lived a Month of Hell I don’t understand and for the first time recently, haven’t had the words to describe. But I want to try.
The last 3-6 weeks (I can’t remember) have been a Giant, Extended, Protracted Clusterfuck of Epic Proportions. On a Daily Basic. Comprised of the following Ingredients:
1. The Daily Trifecta of Physical Mental, and Emotional Anguish.
2. That Damn Oral Surgery: the additional pain, the inconvenience, the EXPENSE, CVS and other Mosquitoes, the recovery period, the healing period, the waiting for the next phase, the fact there IS a Next Phase,
3. Going from February to July, at least where I live, brought my favorite Wardrobe Season, Mild Winter, to a screeching halt with As-Yet-Unworn-But-Recently-Purchased clothing Making Eyes from my closet; who knows if they’ll Wink at me next year? Also, the abrupt and drastic change in temperature has been hell on ONE of my pains: an exceptionally rare and therefore un-researched disorder, Erythromelalgia, or “Man-on-Fire Disease.” Let’s leave it that for now; I don’t want to burn you.
4. THE COMPANY: Profound Loneliness, Static Aloneness, A Despairing Sense of Pointlessness, Pissed-Off Self Loathing, Absence of Invitations, Unwillingness to Extend Invitations, Inability to Accept or Extend Invitations, Unfounded but CONVINCED Ugliness, Too Much Time But Nothing To Do, Wouldn’t Do It Anyway, Profound Sorrow, Regret!, Ghosts from the Past, Abject Misery, Fear of My Future, Inability to Cope with the Present, Paralysis,, Growing Emptiness, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia (home both caste and prison of my own making), and therefore:
I NEED a weekly fix of Karaoke to handle the Slings and Arrows of my Outraged Fortune.
The good news is I FINALLY sought self-care by Undergoing Transformation of both Upper AND Lower Nails on Wednesday. All 20 are now Bulleted and Shellacked in Deluxe, Upgraded Red Glitter and Reflecting in Top Coat. How’s THAT for “Spring Color?“
I’m still not feeling great. But at least the Racing Thoughts in My Head are
(Gracias for the photo, @thenixcreative)
♨️ Is My New Disclaimer for Very Foul Language and/or Sexually Explicit Talk
FROM YOUTUBE OF COURSE
They were all making snarky comments over there calling Amber’s lawyer a “Karen,” so I was forceed to jump in:
Could someone please explain the official criteria for being a “Karen?” No one has ever been able to, and unfortunately I have aged into what might be considered official “Karen Territory.” Fortunately, it DOES beat the alternative.
Bonus points if you can name all the generation names because I haven’t got a clue! I thought Millennials were anyone born after the Millennium (aka “teenagers”), so somebody please school me on this topic.
I’d hate to be a Karen without knowing it.
I’ve noticed within the last 6 months or so that single Men prefer Technology’s Version of Love to that of a Living, Breathing, REAL WOMAN. Or at least the Love of THIS Real Woman! These guys find digital gratification through digital images. For some, the sourcing of these images even crosses criminal lines.
Sadly [for me at least], “This” is what passes for “Love” in 2022 – at least for SOME men. And “Some Men” are the “Only Men” I meet!
Not that any of them actually admit to it so bluntly. And I MYSELF admit a Woman has to be PRETTY jaded to see so much UGLY-ness everywhere!
But I AM, so I DO.
In The Digital Woman, I see the same Flaws and Imperfections I HAVE – that ALL WOMEN HAVE – expertly Airbrushed from public view. The Orchestrators of Digital Love shouldn’t waste their time and money on Erasure Efforts because they’re entirely unnecessary; the Combination of Ease, 24/7 “Yes”-ness, and Nakedness will Reduce and Seduce a Man into the kind of Cyberblindness begging to grant Cyberpasses.
So MY romantic future looks very bleak – at least to Me! And listen folks: I’m cynical and jaundiced enough to realize I AM the Only Divorced Person My Age. Yet I was STILL foolishly hoping for one Last (long overdue!) Passionate Love Affair before I exchange Occasional Vulgarity for Perennial Perfection.
Not Anymore and Not Because death is hovering or any other Reasonable Reason. I’ve simply Lost Romantic Hope and Discarded all Nonexistent Intimate Expectations. You would, too, if Your Dating Pool preferred your karaoke videos to their NEARBY, flesh-covered, Large-AS-Life Counterpart.
I’ve decided to Not Give a Crap. After all, I enjoy my karaoke videos, too.
One Lesson I have Learned with age?
Friends get Really Hard to Make!
Take Sacred Bonds for Granted?
You’ll cry Nights Alone and Stranded
With no Friend to Catch your Tears;
Friends get Scarce with Passing Years.
When you have a Dearth of Them,
[Boyfriends – a whole Earth of Them!]
Which Ties are the Preciousest?
Those who clearly, dearly, yearly, and most sincerely
Truly Want What’s Best for Us❣️
Thanks for the perfect photo, @hannahbusing).
I know I said earlier I was basically a nice person who had simply been banged up by Life too much.
So I feel my Conscience telling me to apologize to the people at the 24-hour CVS for my Public Meltdown the other day when they refused to fill my post-oral-surgical antibiotics because ANOTHER CVS filled the RX first.
I was in a lot of pain, it was raining cats and dogs, and my flu-beleaguered, blind and deaf 80-year-old Mother was doing all the driving that morning.
And you WERE a little snarky [admit it!].
Nonetheless, I understand “Rules Exist For A Reason.”
But I admitted I bear PHYSICAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, and EMOTIONAL scars.
So while I apologize [I really do], I just don’t understand:
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??
WHY MUST I ALWAYS DO YOUR JOBS FOR YOU!!???
NOBODY HERE CARES IF WE DIE IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE WAY TO THE OTHER CVS!!
AND THEY DON’T CARE AT MY INSURANCE COMPANY EITHER!!
NEITHER DOES THE ENTIRE US GOVERNMENT!!
NOT A SINGLE HUMAN BEING IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD GIVES A CRAP ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!
SO I WILL BE BOYCOTTING THIS STORE UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I NEED A REFILL OF SOMETHING‼️
AND QUIT TAKING ME FOR GRANTED ALL THE TIME WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!
I Keep giving YOU
The Way I Want It
Given BACK To Me.
What are you gonna DO to me that hasn’t already been DONE to me?
What are you gonna take AWAY from me that hasn’t already been taken away from me?
Don’t ever underestimate people with nothing left to lose.
They’ve been known to surprise on the Final Act.
Which we can change to “The Last Half” if it sounds too ominous the other way.
I wasn’t aiming for dark overtones – I was thinking more “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.”
It says a lot about my mental exhaustion at the moment that I’d rather explain this than just clarify my writing,
I don’t care; don’t give a shit
I’ve begged and prayed for years to get
A decent offer of a job.
12 years I’ve spent jerking off
Receivers of my Resume,
My words designed to woo and sway.
It never did an ounce of good
As I must now get stamps for food.
But even if I don’t,
It doesn’t change a single thing:
I’m well aware that Industry
Gives not the slightest whit ‘bout Me.
“We Seek Individuality,
And Pride on our Diversity,”
Claim they with much Dishonesty,
While lying through their front eye teeth.
I was here!
I thought Big Thoughts.
I thought petty thoughts.
I gave up.
I sewed my soul into the fabric of my clothes
And wore them proudly.
I painted myself,
and I gave it My Best Shot.
I take comfort in knowing that I tried.
I really tried.
Unspeakable Agony OR
Unspeakable Pleasure ??
Maybe I’m a sequestered bohemian aesthete, but I’ll choose [if given the choice, which is implied] Unspeakable Pleasure every single time.
Some might choose Unspeakable Agony for Curiosity’s sake. I say Curiosity isn’t worth it. Curiosity is in Conspiracy with Agony, trust Me.
There’s nothing pleasurable about Agony, I promise I can assure you (since I know from experience). I used to pay sacrifices to Agony ass when I was a younger woman. I tried and tried and tried, but my shit always turned off the path, no matter which way I pointed it.
That’s when I realized I wouldn’t be able to make it to Agony the usual way, so I started a family for other disenfranchised seekers.
We set out for Agony, but bumped into Ecstasy accidentally.
Now we refuse to leave.
I need to apologize to my father because I thought there were no photos of just the two of us. There are many, but my ex-husband had them for the last 13 years.
It turns out he has had, in his possession, the only set of our wedding photos (that I paid for at the time!) for the last 13 years.
Why didn’t I badger him about them? I was just trying to get by, brothers and sisters. Those were “one foot in front of the other” days. Surely you’ve experienced those?
Also, to be fair, I somehow forgot about them. Forgot about the complete and utter existence of these photos. Or possibly even thought I had forgotten them. It happens. A 9-year-marriage full of heartache followed by a 250-mile move, 13 years of silence between us, and a bunch of new heartache will leave gaps in a person’s memory (thank goodness).
Anyway, said ex-husband was decent enough to scan and copy a set of the photos for me. I could make lots of snarky little comments here, but honestly, I’m so grateful for the photos, my “higher self” is taking over.
It makes me tear up a little to see the images of my father and me, smiling and happy that day. They actually make me miss him and the way he almost used to be.
You can’t deny he was handsome. I can’t say “he was so nice,” “he loved me so much,” or “we shared such great times.” But I can definitively say “he was a nice-looking man!”
So, maybe that’s where I got it? Only partially, if I’m honest. The photos of my Mom prove it was definitely a team effort.
I think these images also demonstrate what a “normal”, outwardly-together, seemingly-privileged person I used to be.
I don’t know whether to celebrate or not, but those days have definitely passed.
Actually, I’m thankful. Now is better than Then, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. Now has to be better than Then, or else how would we keep going?
I get mad when people mistake self-deprecating humor and vulnerability for weakness instead strength.
What kind of insecurity places a bullseye on itself? Projection is the preferred ego defense of the “unexamined mind.”
When I make fun of myself or “tell on myself” (as some say in the South), I’m usually doing it to put my companion[s] at ease. It comes out of a desire to magnify the other; to make them feel confident about themselves. I’m an empath, and I pick up on a lot of what others are saying and showing, even if I don’t directly mention it.
Instead, I try to take what stressors I perceive they’re feeling and try to make them “un feel” them by communicating my understanding of their suffering.
I confess that I used to have to be the smartest person in the room. I wouldn’t stop until everybody knew it (or, one time at a business conference in Switzerland, until one fellow British VP thought I was a complete asshole!).
This behavior is from my striving, highly “successful” period – when my “bride price” was probably much higher than it is now.
I think I’ve finally learned, grown, and realized I prefer underpromising and overdelivering to showing off.
Sadly, despite all the work (mental, interpersonal, emotional) I had to do to get to this, my wisest and strongest place in life, I sense I’m perceived as the Chauncey Gardner/Peter Sellers character in Being There. Without the incorrect recognition of “his genius.”
So my question is this:
Am I full of bullshit, still desperately needing to be the smartest person in the room by complaining I feel misunderstood since no one realizes I’m the smartest person in the room anymore (even though I know I still clearly am)?
So I break laws (take my mother’s estrogen patches) and defy the universe to even try to fuck with me again on that lame old score (breast cancer).
Cause that bitch done already been paid over and over and over again. In a million different ways. She owes ME at this point. Besides, she wouldn’t recognize me anymore.
Why? Oddly enough and without trying, I think I’ve mastered [and all inaccuracies and ignorances are mine here, especially since I’ve never read it] “the subtle art of not giving a fuck.”
Isn’t it a little presumptuous of anyone to assume ANY of us will be here tonight, tomorrow, or 3 months from now? In fact, I nearly laughed out loud just now making a 3-month follow-up appointment with my migraine doctor.
I don’t know what kind of/if any philosophy my views might reflect. I only know this is how I feel/what I think: who knows, I’m always getting the two confused, anyway.
At least this is what I feel-think today. That could change tomorrow. I can’t commit to much of anything at this point, you see. So I’m sorry/not sorry. You’ll just have to deal with it.
What does this look like, practically speaking? I can (of course) only speak for myself. But…
I do stupid things like: I go off and leave personal belongings at the doctor’s office, then have to drive THE WHOLE WAY BACK to retrieve them. Yeah…why weren’t they the kind of personal belongings I wouldn’t have been allowed to exit the building without? If I’d left my mask, I know I wouldn’t have gotten far.
I’ve also become a terrible judge of character, turning Ignorant Assholes into Prince Charmings with NO DATA WHATSOEVER TO SUPPORT THESE CONCLUSIONS!!
Thank goodness I seem capable from learning from my mistakes in that department. This week at least.
I sing karaoke too much, smoke weed too much, forget to feed myself, refuse to clean my room, and spend far too much of my discretionary income on my hair [because I intend to look good for the duration].
Maybe I’m a little fixated on my hair because I’m so glad it grew back? I don’t know if this theory holds water because I also spend money on my sexy fake fingernails.
So… no news to you, my friends, but I’m not being particularly responsible these days. [Visitors: don’t get excited thinking you’re going to scam me; I’m not a sucker anymore, sucker – and even when I was, you couldn’t squeeze me.]
For my subscribers, who have suffered through at least one of my posts, we need to collectively face reality: I suck at karaoke. Yes, it’s true and I know it’s true. Y’all are just being sweet, but I know I suck.
Yet… I still don’t care!! Maybe because there’s no one left to embarrass but my mom, and no one would dare inform her of her adult daughter’s colossal lapses in judgment (out of respect for my mom).
I don’t know if it’s the weed or an existential crisis or even a POST-existential crisis. I only know I’m both a Total Flake and an Utter Mess.
At least that’s the look I’m shooting for.
How am I doing?
This is “It” and I at our absolutely most annoying, irritating, and obnoxious. And our most intoxicated (to the point of forgetting we were recording at multiple times during the evening).
Yeah, I wouldn’t introduce me to your kids, either! I’m a terrible influence on everyone around me. And It is just as bad – if not WORSE‼️
Only if you like eavesdropping on two people who can’t keep their mouths shut for more than ten seconds could you even potentially find this video entertaining…
P.S. It [the video] has a false finish, like all of my favorite karaoke songs. This one’s not over until we’re finally “parched.”
Bucking and conforming and bucking and conforming…. Where does moderation and compromise live? Not in this vessel…. Her life is an everlasting paradox clothed in human flesh.
I thought my traumas aged me.
All the childhood crap, the losing of all my pregnancies, the searing betrayals, the fights with death and disease, the ongoing fights with death and disease, and the psychological fallout from all of the above.
Yada, yada, yada.
But no: nothing ages a person like wearing her (or his) heart completely exposed and unprotected on the prosaic sleeve; aware of the devastating effects of every tiny particle of dust and vaporous breeze that touches and then and has no choice but to scar it.
At which point you’re trying to fly low behind the radar, attempting to allude Cosmic Scrutiny and trying hard not to attract more pain than is unsurvivable.
Multiplied by the number of children you have.
That’s the Crucible that turns Ordinary Sitizens into Old Souls.
You’re always there, you never let me down.
When I feel used and beaten and spit back out from the underbelly of a cockroach carcass, your presence comforts me.
It draws me out of my pain; up from down; in from out.
It elevates me and makes me better a better woman and a better human being. Just because you listen to me.
Because you held me when I shed all of those tears that I just needed to shed in front of a man. I always had my mother, but I never had my father. I’m comfortable opening up amongst women, but I’ve never had many platonic male friendships,
You knew that about me. And since you’d done your own therapy and self-reflection, you were the first man who brought emotional weight and awareness to the negotiation table.
I ended up winning the lottery when I met you. I knew it when you let me cry in your presence.
The first time we met, you let me cry.
It didn’t scare you off. You were man enough to handle it. You knew that women cry sometimes. You knew that little girls who were told to stop crying still cried on the inside.
And still needed to be comforted.
Even when they found themselves in a grown woman’s body. They still need to be comforted.
For what felt like the first time for me, you loved me first. You somehow knew I needed that. That for this final go-around, I needed that.
That I needed to be courted and treasured; that just once, I needed to feel like a princess.
I needed to be one person’s “one person.” One person’s Greatest Love; First Choice; Deepest Bond.
Since I was always a second wife, you stepped up and loved me with an Adult Love.
The way a Grown Man loves his Greatest Treasure.
Only your criteria for what defined a “treasure” (a “gem”) was different than most men’s criteria: you complimented me on my physical attributes, but your love wasn’t skin-deep. You had eyes that saw me at my best; at my most radiant.
You loved The Lover in me, The Fighter in me, The Child in me, The Woman in me, and The Mother in me to (you told me that my 3 pregnancies made me a mother and that one day, I would be reunited with my children).
You also loved the Daughter in me, the Friend in me, the Cheerleader (with official cheerleading outfit) in me, and the Soul Mate in me.
You said it didn’t matter that we were meeting late in life; that a few years of what we had cancelled out any prior misery,
You said we could still redeem and restore each other, even if we only have a few years.
Your love enhanced me rather than diminished me; it radiated rather than obscured me; grabbed me close rather than pushed me away.
I had already done most of my mourning, so I was free to love you from a better place. But your love and acceptance energized and catalyzed me in a way I deemed impossible – at least for me.
You did all this just by being there. And listening. When I woke you up in the middle because I had to talk to you, you didn’t mind.
Our love was also a laughter kind of love. We laughed so damned much! I don’t think I laughed that much in all of the preceding years combined.
You let me be all of the things I needed to be when I needed to be them.
You never shamed or judged me. You accepted me. Welcomed me. Desired me. Just me and Only me. You wanted No One But Me. Ever again.
You said I was more than enough. That even if we only had five years together, that would be enough.
That we could die happy and fulfilled.
I had been so lost. Not in a bad way; just in a “lost my bearings” sort of way. You were my Lighthouse. My Horizon Line.
Thank you for Loving Me First.
Because you did, I was able to love you from my purest, unfiltered place. From my reserves. I went to my wine cellar and brought out my best and most expensive Cabernet for you. I carved, scraped, toiled and mined to find my Ruby-Sapphire love for you.
Rubies for passion and sapphires for loyalty. All for you.
My purest, most extreme, and most terrifying (for me) private love, I gave to you. Loving you made me a better human being and a better spiritual being.
From your core:
You loved me first.