SO INCULPATORY (and Histrionic)

[Or so she says]
[Hey, a Warm “ShroomFest” sounds fun!]
[Right]
[I’m still getting all these #snarky thoughts!]

SO INCULPATORY!

I said those things as Allegories.
Perhaps they were Inflammatory and Derogatory,
And even perCHANCE Defamatory?

But I serve as Official Depository
For YOUR words so Condemnatory.
It’s true I HEARD them as “Accusatory”.

HOWEVER,
From my Highly Hallucinogenically
SELF-Aware Perspective:

I find MYSELF Inculpatory
For Hiding Lies Exculpatory;
Fake-Acting, Yes, but Not Recriminatory.

So I am Seeking Damages
In Every Shape-Type-Variety.
My favorite Type’s Compensatory.

But that’s a WHOLE ‘Nother Story!
I Chose the Title for MYSELF:
SELF-Congratulatory”

THE LONESOME DOVE

LONESOME DOVE

Discovery swears I’m weary Now
And Then as well a Home to house
Feelings scream: Intensity!
Beg You to Reach Out for Me,
Drown Me in Dark Memory
Back when You returned My Love.
Now dicarded, Lonesome Dove.

(Photo courtesy of Emiliano Orduña)

COLD TO TOUCH

You think your secrets Terrify
Though I have not a clue to Why;
You think I can’t exist without
It Tears me up then brings me Home.
Home to find You in my bed,
Dreaming of a Love so dead
To You, it has been quenched of Fire.
Once convinced to burst in Flame,
Now Inspiring Cold-to-touch
Weaponry to thwart Desire
And Broken, grasp at Any Crutch.

(Thanks for the use of your photo, @aaronburden)

CUT OUT FOR SCHOOL

NOT CUT OUT TO SCHOOL?

Mother’s Day is always hard for me, as are most holidays. Especially since the Joy of these occasions is multiplied by Loved Ones, and I have so Few left to Love.

Mother’s Day is a Double-Whammy because, even though we’ve all HAD Mothers, we’ve not all BEEN Mothers. And folks tend to forget that on Mother’s Day. Or at least they did when I went to church every Sunday. All those red roses handed out to Mothers? After YET another failed IVF or miscarriage? I recall Sundays as a Funhouse Mirror, distorting and exaggerating all I didn’t have.

Even Fathers Day is Still Bad, what with the ABUNDANCE of Horizontal and Vertical departures – at least on THIS runway. Yet somehow I’m always Left holding the bags.

I’m not saying “Bah Humbug” to Mother’s Day and ALL Holidays FOREVER. I suppose. What I am saying is that Holidays are just Regular Days now, remarkable only by the EXTRA Heaping of Grief they serve up.

Too frequently, I feel like I’m stuck on an underwater tree limb, the Rest of Humanity and Vitality having swum past Me DECADES ago. And taking no discernible note of my Dilemma.

Yet I persist in floundering my way into circles around that damned tree branch, idiotically thinking I can catch up.

I guess I wasn’t cut out To School.

_________________________________

(Photo by @chn.photography)

WHY CLEAR THE SKY?

I wonder why you ask as if
You already know the answer?
I wonder why you pull me close
If mounting mental distance?
I wonder why you slow down Love
When passion now increases?
And why must you Intoxicate
To soberly consume Me?
I wonder why you tease and promise with
A mind bent on Betrayal?
And why cloak words in Mystery
If clouded questions clear the sky
So you can then forsake me?

(Photo courtesy of @anthonytran)

ENDING LOVE

ENDING LOVE

Don’t know how or when,
But Our Love has turned to Hate.
I’ve got a deal for You:
I’d like to make a trade.

Whether Tangled in the Past,
Or Tainted Now by Fear,
The Only Truth of sense:
Our Joy Has Disappeared.

Your Once-Warm Affection
Has duly run its course;
I think we must admit
It’s Time For A Divorce.

RACING THOUGHTS & New Disclaimers ♨️

I’ve just lived a Month of Hell I don’t understand and for the first time recently, haven’t had the words to describe. But I want to try.

The last 3-6 weeks (I can’t remember) have been a Giant, Extended, Protracted Clusterfuck of Epic Proportions. On a Daily Basic. Comprised of the following Ingredients:

1. The Daily Trifecta of Physical Mental, and Emotional Anguish.
2. That Damn Oral Surgery: the additional pain, the inconvenience, the EXPENSE, CVS and other Mosquitoes, the recovery period, the healing period, the waiting for the next phase, the fact there IS a Next Phase,
3. Going from February to July, at least where I live, brought my favorite Wardrobe Season, Mild Winter, to a screeching halt with As-Yet-Unworn-But-Recently-Purchased clothing Making Eyes from my closet; who knows if they’ll Wink at me next year? Also, the abrupt and drastic change in temperature has been hell on ONE of my pains: an exceptionally rare and therefore un-researched disorder, Erythromelalgia, or “Man-on-Fire Disease.” Let’s leave it that for now; I don’t want to burn you.
4. THE COMPANY: Profound Loneliness, Static Aloneness, A Despairing Sense of Pointlessness, Pissed-Off Self Loathing, Absence of Invitations, Unwillingness to Extend Invitations, Inability to Accept or Extend Invitations, Unfounded but CONVINCED Ugliness, Too Much Time But Nothing To Do, Wouldn’t Do It Anyway, Profound Sorrow, Regret!, Ghosts from the Past, Abject Misery, Fear of My Future, Inability to Cope with the Present, Paralysis,, Growing Emptiness, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia (home both caste and prison of my own making), and therefore:

ZERO KARAOKE.

I NEED a weekly fix of Karaoke to handle the Slings and Arrows of my Outraged Fortune.

The good news is I FINALLY sought self-care by Undergoing Transformation of both Upper AND Lower Nails on Wednesday. All 20 are now Bulleted and Shellacked in Deluxe, Upgraded Red Glitter and Reflecting in Top Coat. How’s THAT for “Spring Color?“

I’m still not feeling great. But at least the Racing Thoughts in My Head are
Lovingly Whispering:

Karaoke Tonight?

(Gracias for the photo, @thenixcreative)

♨️ Is My New Disclaimer for Very Foul Language and/or Sexually Explicit Talk

A TASTE OF IT

I may be smart but really dumb
At MY age to sign up to Run
And Chase You and other Sons-of-Guns
Who want to house me Under Thumb.

It’s time I find Myself a Clue,
And Get the Hell AWAY from You!

I’ll hold Myself both Tall and Free.
Newly Freed, I’m Free Indeed,
Bursting with the Fully Free
Freedom Only Found in Me.


(Thanks to @nicholasampson for the photo)

A FOREGONE CONCLUSION

Life has surely broken me.
I’ve flunked out at Everything.
Why consider equally
When Options just desert Me?
Forgive not pointed sharp for me;
Still grimed up, I cannot see
A single reason surfacing,
Hiding Places changing
Constantly
And arbitrarily
Disappoint inevitably:
Never, Ever, Frequently
Only end up baffle-ing
That the Ones who stuck by Me
Were No One and Nobody.
The Needed ones Abandoned me,
Never even wanted me.
Been let down by Everything
And 100% of Practically
All and Every
One and Single Thing,
Left for dead and wasting
To a husk of Me.

So What’s the point,
Sharpened pointedly,
When you will only
Start new things?
Old ones failing,
Interest lost and dropping,
Forcing hands repeatedly.
Home to pack a bag and leave,
All doors slammed resoundingly,
Locks all changed and shut to me.
Happy Endings Abruptly.

Don’t care what you do to me.
Lost my sensitivity,
Burning hurts so painfully,
Once Angry scars
Protect My Heart
From the Hope, Now lost to me;
It doesn’t hurt, just disappoints.
I have no mass, I’ve been disjoined,
Won’t shatter when you drop me.

All do eventually;
A mere eventuality,
Forgone Conclusively.



(Thanks for use of the photo, @sashafreemind )

GASP OF AIR

Death claims all the Victory
In this life given to me.
It owns the very parts of Me
Which mingled with One’s chemistry
To build a brand new entity,
Just to have him ripped from me.

Who was the enemy?
My own womb, specifically
Betrayed us all, ejecting
This tiny piece of Humanity.
Scrap to you? Not to me.

I still ache longingly
To nurse and cradle this piece to me.
Twenty years and constant suffering,
More Death than Life if you ask me
Since his and fellow siblings’ lives
Were deemed by Someone “Not to Be.”
And Mother never made of me.

What rules for such a Tragedy?
No One knew, apparently.
All Baby Bumps avoided me,
As if my full-term “inability To carry”
An unspeakable disease
Which could be passed contagiously.

Alone, I bear their Memories;
Always My Responsibility.
Now I’ve become too fatigued
To honor them effectively;
They only Live in Memory.

I’m not too proud to beg your sympathy.
I’ll even make this plea upon my knees:
Would you be willing, Momentarily,
To hold my children in YOUR hearts
So I can breathe?

COURTROOM THEATRICS


As the World tuned in to watch clips of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Mutual Defamation trial (Team Johnny here), I’ve noticed some fascinating Courtroom Theatrics in play.

And it’s not just the regular Costume Changes, non-movie Acting, and Oddly-Painted-On Hairstyles.

However, the televising of so much Personal Pain and airing of Dirty Laundry seems like a Giant Spectacle of Uncomfortable Absurdity to me.

“A tale told by Idiots,
Full of Sound and Fury…

[Pomp, Circumstance, Legal Jargon, and Court of Public Opinion]…

Signifying Nothing.”

Maybe why I’ve watched Nothing Else?

#courtroomsaga #shakespeare

THE LONESOME DOVE

Discovery swears I’m weary Now
And Then as well a Home to house
Feelings scream: Intensity!
Beg You to Reach Out for Me,
Drown Me in Dark Memory
Back when You returned My Love,
Now discarded, Lonesome Dove.

(Photo courtesy of Emiliano Orduña)

I FAILED

I Failed to waste the needed time
To fully search; Identify,
Reflect Upon and then To Mine
[Not to mention Sit and Scribe]
Hidden Thoughts crouched in My Mind.

Next, I failed to clear the View,
By Cleaning Dirt I wrote for You
[All tied-up and gift-wrapped, too].
Sparkling not, my words stayed cruel:

“The One You Thought You Knew so well
Regrets Time Served with You in Hell!”

Trussed Up, Carved, and Butter-Basted,
Time – burnt, molding, dead and wasted,
Unfulfills Now Freedom’s Tasted.


TRUST YOU??


You plead with Me to Trust
You won’t Crush and Leave Me
Yesterday, a Heap of Dust
Swirls and Heaves Me
Back when You
Gave up on Us.
Please forgive if Pleas
Fall upon my so deaf ears,
It seems my Ears No Longer hear
The Lies that Ooze so unctuously
With facile, fancy Ease
From Mouths which I still Fear.