FRIENDS GET HARD TO MAKE!

One Lesson I have Learned with age?
Friends get Really Hard to Make!

Take Sacred Bonds for Granted?
You’ll cry Nights Alone and Stranded

With no Friend to Catch your Tears;
Friends get Scarce with Passing Years.

When you have a Dearth of Them,
[Boyfriends – a whole Earth of Them!]
Which Ties are the Preciousest?

Those who clearly, dearly, yearly, and most sincerely
Truly Want What’s Best for Us❣️

Thanks for the perfect photo, @hannahbusing).

I’m So Proud of You

I’m so proud of you, Grown-Up Little Girl!

You keep tearing on yourself, but can I tell you You’ve surpassed my expectations for Us?

The way you keep on staying brave and open, well frankly, I’m astounded.

I never knew you’d be such a LOVER and a FIGHTER❣️

AT WAR WITH LONELINESS

I’m at war with Introversion.
I’m at war with Extraversion.

I’m tired of Being Alone.
I tire when I’m with others.

My soul yearns for laughter
But no longer hears its voice.

I dream of Distant Destinations
But can’t get out of the house.

I long for deep conversations
With words hoarse from disuse.

My body begs to be held,
But flinches at your touch.

I’m desperate to Hide,
But pray I’ll soon be Found.

(Thanks for the photo, @scottrodgerson)

The Lies Are True!!

Let me be the FIRST to admit:

It is indeed the case

And known to be apparent

AS WELL AS self-evident

That:

All of the

horrible-awful-wretched-disgusting

Things

YOU heard

about ME

are indeed

In fact

100% true.

AND

100% false.

At a bare minimum!

And we couldn’t agree more!!

That I’m both fully guilty.

And wholly innocent.

As charged

On all counts!!

Your Honor.

But you see:

I’m what’s called a “work in progress,”

Which is a fancy way of saying “human.”

So we’re gonna keep on keeping on

horrible-awful-wretched-disgusting

Till the day is LONG

Over here on Patch Jennifer

Today.

Okay?

Getting a Clue

Given the rise in popularity of the “True Crime” genre of entertainment, I decided to improve the Clue board game.

It didn’t seem – to ME, at least – that the theoretical mansion was particularly large or the theoretical murderers particularly adept. I decided to improve your play by adding new rooms (“crime scenes”) and killing objects (“murder weapons”). My generosity isn’t endless, however, so you’re still stuck with Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard.

CRIME SCENES:
Attic
Breakfast Room
Cabaña
Den
Eat-in kitchen
Family Room
Gym
Hobby Room
Indoor Pool
Java [the] Hut
Kitchen
Laundry
Media Room
Nursery
Office
Pantry
Quarters
Rumpus Room
Sunroom
Toilet
Underground Pool
Vault
Walk-in Closet
Xylophone Jam Room
Yard, Front/Back/Side/Prison
Zen Garden


MURDER WEAPONS:
Antifreeze
Bare hands
Candelabra
Dagger
Electricity
Fire
Glass
Heroin
Icepick / Innuendo
Jackknife
Kill Kit / Kindness
Louisville Slugger
Mixed Martial Arts
Necktie
Overdose
Plutonium
Quill
Rattlesnake
Sword
Talons/ Taser
Uzzi
Vibrator, X-tra Large
Water
X-acto
Y-incision
Ziplock Bag

P.S. You’re welcome!!

Now

I am currently in a stage of being frequently moved.

I hear words in the breeze and music in your words.

I’m touched by much, cry easily, am often lost in thought.

Art affects me, stories affect me, my own feelings affect me.

Highly affected, I have to squeeze.

Once the torque is set, I can’t stop.

Red paint is everywhere!! Sliced all over the room, heater-skelter.

I don’t know how to soothe myself when the mountain breaks.

Have you ever found yourself the stereotypical “weary traveler?”

It’s the status quo for of an atmosphere of pressure, I’m afraid. It’s what I meant about being easily moved.

Maple Glaze 🍁

You amaze.
Count the ways.
Blame and blaze.
Four-night stays.
Latest craze.
Manta rays.
Starry gaze.
Sing and praise.
No one pays.
Lounge and laze.
Barstool plays.
Rear and raise.
Tee Vee trays.
I’ll rephrase:
Corn is maize.
Mayonnaise.
Worry frays.
Morning haze.
Drunken daze.
The last phase.
(For two days)
Then appraise.

Jennifer Is:

A. Clever, charming, charismatic, playful-but-deep, beautiful, intelligent, magnetic, and extremely generous.

B. Emotionally desperate, physically-ravaged, profoundly traumatized, mentally unstable, financially ruined, damaged beyond repair, fatally flawed, and utterly irredeemable. Also: she brags about herself (see A, above).

C. Who really cares about B, anyway?

It Makes Me Mad my Bride Price has Dropped…

I get mad when people mistake self-deprecating humor and vulnerability for weakness instead strength.

What kind of insecurity places a bullseye on itself? Projection is the preferred ego defense of the “unexamined mind.”

When I make fun of myself or “tell on myself” (as some say in the South), I’m usually doing it to put my companion[s] at ease. It comes out of a desire to magnify the other; to make them feel confident about themselves. I’m an empath, and I pick up on a lot of what others are saying and showing, even if I don’t directly mention it.

Instead, I try to take what stressors I perceive they’re feeling and try to make them “un feel” them by communicating my understanding of their suffering.

I confess that I used to have to be the smartest person in the room. I wouldn’t stop until everybody knew it (or, one time at a business conference in Switzerland, until one fellow British VP thought I was a complete asshole!).

This behavior is from my striving, highly “successful” period – when my “bride price” was probably much higher than it is now.

I think I’ve finally learned, grown, and realized I prefer underpromising and overdelivering to showing off.

Sadly, despite all the work (mental, interpersonal, emotional) I had to do to get to this, my wisest and strongest place in life, I sense I’m perceived as the Chauncey Gardner/Peter Sellers character in Being There. Without the incorrect recognition of “his genius.”

So my question is this:

Am I full of bullshit, still desperately needing to be the smartest person in the room by complaining I feel misunderstood since no one realizes I’m the smartest person in the room anymore (even though I know I still clearly am)?

#isthisnarcissism?

🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Not that anyone cares

This is “It” and I at our absolutely most annoying, irritating, and obnoxious. And our most intoxicated (to the point of forgetting we were recording at multiple times during the evening).

Yeah, I wouldn’t introduce me to your kids, either! I’m a terrible influence on everyone around me. And It is just as bad – if not WORSE‼️

Only if you like eavesdropping on two people who can’t keep their mouths shut for more than ten seconds could you even potentially find this video entertaining…

P.S. It [the video] has a false finish, like all of my favorite karaoke songs. This one’s not over until we’re finally “parched.”

PROOF‼️

With The Back of My Hand:

Or, “A Hannibal Kind of Lust”

—————————

I love you so much that

I’d like to Eat You Alive.

And then wipe your blood off of my mouth

with the back of my hand

that still has

chunks of your hair and scalp

threaded through my fingers.

And later,

after I burp up your digestive juices,

I’ll sleep more soundly

than I ever have before.

—————————

Photo credit: Catalin Pop. Thank you!

•Miss SmartyHearts and Miss LonelyPants•

Effective immediately: I have officially “put out a shingle” with my latest career effort. Since it won’t bring in a dime, my motivation may be inconsistent, but I’m wiling to put my best foot forward…at least initially.

I have officially begun an “Agony Advice”/“Miss Lonelyhearts”/“Dr. Ruth”/“Erma Bombeck”/“Miss [Dating and Relationship] Manners” column which will be penned by two contributors: Miss SmartyHearts (for matters of the heart) and Miss LonelyPants (for matters of the body).

I’m advising you in advance that this advice of which I will be advising you will be from an unequally rare and rarefied point of view: that of a once-highly intelligent, well-travelled and -educated woman who is now equal parts:

1) Old, 2) Out of Touch, and 3) Immature.

But with good hair & nails and a lovely complexion (if I do say so myself). And of course, a winning enthusiasm and eagerness to advise you of my advice to your queries!

On the rare occasion I do not feel qualified to answer your question with my personal wisdom alone, I will conduct primary research in the form of: first person interviews, mall/bar/date/karaoke “intercepts,” video surveillance, long and irritating telephone surveys, and if necessary, “transferential experience.

TE (copywrite) is a technique I developed after many years of serving in my capacity as a highly-esteemed market research professional (actually one of the best in the business, just ask 3 people I knew in 1996).

TE basically means: if all else fails, and I still don’t know the answer: I will go find out for myself!

And then share My Lessons Learned with all of my Beloved Readers! Because I possess bountiful generosity. Which will drive my desire to provide you with my best advice birthed from 1) my experiences, told from my 2) [again] uniquely qualified, broken down perspective. Always with my signature spunk and stubborn unwillingness to learn from my mistakes❣️

So, feel free to start addressing your queries regarding “matters of the heart” to Miss SmartyHeart and matters of the physical body to Miss Lonelypants (who will try to draw from her long-term memory, so no promises about anatomical accuracy). I only ask that you specify in the Re: line which Expert Miss is the recipient for your inquiry (because these can easily get blurred, difficult to read, and then who knows what kind of answer you’ll get?)

The Misses are also a bit jealous of each other, so if you have a preference, you should ask. If not, those old harpies might both answer your questions!]

And I’ve got to advise you of one last bit of advice:

Begin submitting your burning questions immediately because Miss SmartyHearts and Miss LonelyPants could begin sending letters to each other; and I honestly can’t predict what that might look like.

So you’ve been warned. And, my pledge: I will always bring my 💯 % authentic self and former work ethic to this incredibly humbling responsibility I am agreeing to undertake on your behalf.

Lastly: MEN❣️ You are also welcome to write to the Misses with your burning queries. I will change all names to protect the innocentboth yours, my beloved readers, and all research assistants, interviewees, and participants.

I would suggest you get your money’s worth [especially since it’s free]!

#MissSmartyHeart #MisLonelyPants

My First Post on My [Short-Lived] Blog, May 2010

11 and a half years ago, I “caught a wild hair” and started this thing called a BLOG while recovering from gallbladder removal surgery at aged 43 (I know – I just keep winning the genetic lottery!) Anyway, my virgin post is linked below. It made me laugh to realize I haven’t really changed that much – except for my new, single-minded dedication to blogging! It was a relief to discover I hadn’t “lost myself” as much as I thought. And to RE-discover I’ve always been a Geek, a Goofbeauxll, a flagrant flouter of conventional grammatical rules, and a serial repeat offender of “Exclampo Abuse!!”

http://deeporshallowthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/05/putting-pancreatitis-to-rest.html

Photo: 2010 (the Goldilocks years)