POEMS ARE EASY

Painting of You

LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY

Writing poems is easy.
You start with an IQ,
You think a thought or two,
Then, once struck by Luck,
(The waiting is the worst part)
You capture one before it actually exits.
Now I know that part sounds easy,
But it’s just the starting point;
And think how often you change your mind!

So you take these few mundane thoughts,
And your brain must be damaged
“Just Precisely So”
You only CAN think mundane thoughts,
But you CAN phrase them in an
I’ll be damned! fairly clever way!

Meanwhile, you must skillfully and simultaneously juggle
At least FOUR of the following literary devices:
Metaphor (he’s the lead character in Poetry)
Simile (vice-president)
Idioms
Wordplay (a personal favorite)
Sarcasm (a LIFE favorite)
Irony (my life’s Reality)
Parody (often confused with Reality)
Alliteration
Intentional Factual Inaccuracy
Selective Capitalization
•Cliche (Avoid! Same shit, same way!)
•Allegory
•Dystopian Future
, and
Sentimental Memory (must be clouded by distorted past events).

But we’re just warming up!

Once you’ve translated your original two thoughts
Into a poem, using the skills listed above,
You must dip the poem in a
Rich coating of Hyperbole,
Fourteen times,
Backwards AND Forwards,
As well as “sprinkled lightly with”
And “threaded throughout.”

If any of this makes sense to you,
And equally-skilled are you,
Or even NOT,
(One can make virtually ANYTHING sound poetic),
Then you, too, can write poems and
A Poet Laureate are You!

PERFECT CARRIAGE

PERFECT CARRIAGE: MINE

A child who succumbs to miscarriage
May only exist in his host’s Imagination,
But he freely thrives in every tense:
Imagined Past,
Imagined Present,
Imagined Future, and
Imagined Perfect.

Maybe this sheds some sense
On why I’m so grateful to Tense?


PROS & PRONOUNS


PROS & PRONOUNS

Me + You = Us
You + You = U,2
Me + Similar Mes = We
Him + Her = A couple
Her + Her = ? A couple ?
Him + 2Hers = “Polyamorous”
Him + Her – Him = Trans (all the way down)
Her + Him = Trans-Versa
People we disagree with = They
Me, Myself, & I = “Loved Ones”

HELPFUL HINT:
When in doubt, default to “They” and “Them.”

*AND, I’m sorry if I offended anyone in commission of this post. So mini sorry, mea culpabit,

But someone tell me how to not offend? Please.

A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER


I gift Myself on a silver platter,
Tied up in a fancy bow;
I promise to love you with
My Parts Above
And show you with
My Parts Below.
But if and once the flirting
And playful un-skirting stops,
And what remains is a
Self-elevated mound of slop
Whose touch now feels
Like a Dirty Mop,
I’m grateful to the point of pain
I’m a High-Giver, High-Risker,
High-Lover, and Mutual-Taker,
Not a Low-Giver, Low-Risker,
Scarce Lover, and High-Taker.
The latter soup is a selfishly bitter, tasteless combination
Which only causes full-body vexation,
But NEVER a case of the shivers.
So Here’s the truth I’d swear is true:
Girls DO like spice,
But Guys: TREAT THEM NICE!
Or you’ll soon find you’ve lost
Your chance to dance
With your own
Quakes and Quivers.

P.S. I’m sincerely sorry to resort to binary terms, but I grew up in a binary world and it’s what I know. So please forgive my pronouns, he-nouns. she-nouns, and they-nouns.

ADVERBS IN MY FUTURE

I’m dating myself, but as soon as I titled this post, I went to YouTube to find the Schoolhouse Rock song it triggered in my memory (along with lots of great other informative ditties I still remember!)

ADVERBS IN MY FUTURE

I have a huge change on my horizon that, frankly, I’ve been postponing.

I know the WHEN and the WHY for it; I haven’t figured out the WHAT OF (different from the WHY) or the WHERE.

I figure the HOW will clarify itself itself once THEN is NOW or SOON.

If it grows into Worry, what’s the point? NOW will arrive and quickly turn into BEFORE, so I don’t want to waste too much NOW stressing about THEN.

Apologies, Metaphor Her Friends, & More:

THE DEDICATION

THE DEDICATION:
Metaphor is The Meta
I’ve Literally Spent
MY ENTIRE LIFE
Searching Phor;
It was a Quest I was
Glad to undertake
On behalf of Poetry’s sake.

THE TITLE:

MY GRAND TRIBUTE TO METAPHOR
THROUGH THE SIMILE OF
Apologies, Metaphor, & So Much More
(Not than anyone’s ever apologized to me before….).

THE PREFACE AND SYNOPSIS
(Longer than The Execution]

An Indirectly Literal AND
Disproportionate Piece of My
Metaphoric (hypothetic?)
Forgiveness
(I Refuse to grant the Literal kind,
Since I’ve Never been Guilty of Nothing);


But if your Words
Of Sorrow are stale,
No Slice of the Whole
Can stuff Me or THEM
Full of the Stuff of Life!

Hopefully you won’t be overly-startled by my Oxymorons,
Bored by my Clichés,
Nor find my Allegories too obtuse to

Disgrace you and deface you,
Stimulate and Titillate you
Until you Crescendo With
An Overflow of Innuendo
At the Highest Of
All Heights
Ever Achieved
In Your Entire Life.

So why not stick around?
We may go to Ground,
But we can certainly
GIVE IT A Try, and
GIVE IT A Fly,
So, Let’s apply!
It’s a job I can do;
Can You?

THE EXECUTION:

FIRST:
It takes an Adult to apologize,
So you’re already taller than I imagined.

NEXT:
We’re all guilty of limiting our
Fields of vision
To better scope sizes and shapes
In this shadowy cipher of space.

LASTLY:
Please don’t rain on
Anyone Else’s Parade,
Especially mine.
Not today.

And regarding your forecast?
Are you willing to remain at least
Partially Sunny?
I’ll taste you some sweet
If you’ll shine me some sunny.

In fact, if you’ll spare me
A “brief interlude of rain”.
I’ll let you call me “Mama,” sonny.

THE COGNAC:
How was it for you?
Frankly, it was
Way too much like work
To work much like on me.

TRAGICALLY NOT: Much Ado about Nothing

TRAGICALLY NOT

My word, but that’s a Travesty!
Or is it just a “Tragedy”?
The difference lurks in Unknowing:
True they’re used Distinctively
But often: Substitutionally.
I say “It matters not to Me,”
But I’d do almost Anything
To scour each Mouth of
DIRTY things;
Clear their Words and scrub them Clean,
In doing, boost their Word Hygiene.

Am I Wrong?

I. Of the two sisters, Mary is the YOUNGEST and Anna, the OLDEST.

Of the two sisters, Mary is the YOUNGER and Anna, the ELDER [OLDER].

II. I want to work for someone THAT challenges me.

I want to work for someone WHO challenges me.

III. We’re hiring a new person so everyone has LESS cases.

We’re hiring a new person so everyone has FEWER cases.

IV. She finished it in LIKE, LITERALLY, three hours.

She finished it in three hours.

Teenagers‼️

Why does my heart bleed for teenagers when I never had any of my own? I try to give them (probably misguided) advice – see my reply to a young girl’s comment. I know: wisdom from the woman known as Karaoke Konnection on YouTube. It’s laughable.

Then, please tell me if it’s misguided. Because I really need to know. It’s profoundly, remarkably, achingly important to me that my words never damage these young people. I want them to excel and to thrive and to keep Humanity alive!

More than anything…

Please Watch if You Love a Teenager

I’m 54, and I feel like you’re telling my story. I know it feels like your father has betrayed all of you (because he did) and everything that once seemed so certain now seems terribly uncertain. And you don’t even get to be mad because you’re being such a little adult, keeping up your end of the deal, while the adults are abandoning their roles as if they never existed in the first place. I’m so sorry that the pressure has fallen on you during this time. My only advice for all of you teenagers who are hurting now is:
Please never bury the real and unique you that burns inside. You know your dreams and your passions and your heart in a way no other person does. Your circumstances will change frequently throughout your life, but your essence, your personhood, won’t. Please don’t EVER bury yourselves so much in your efforts to make others happy that you extinguish the beautiful flame that burns in each one of you❣️

P.S. Tell your parents a lady older than them said so‼️

WORD ALERT MALFUNCTION‼️

Apparently I’m as “out of touch” as ever!

My friend Robi told me I had been using the term “Millennial” incorrectly all this time.

I thought it meant “people born after the Millenium,” aka: anyone 21 and under.

Though Robi couldn’t tell me what a Millennial actually is (”older” was his one-word explanation), could you save me the effort of having to go back and swap out “Millenials” for “teenagers” and just retrofit all of my comments about them in your brains?

And could someone do me a solid and let me know what people born after 2000 are called?

I make a big enough ass out of myself without “Semantics issues” increasing my public humiliation.

Thank you in advance❣️

[Thank you Sigmund for the use of your photograph].❤️

My First Post on My [Short-Lived] Blog, May 2010

11 and a half years ago, I “caught a wild hair” and started this thing called a BLOG while recovering from gallbladder removal surgery at aged 43 (I know – I just keep winning the genetic lottery!) Anyway, my virgin post is linked below. It made me laugh to realize I haven’t really changed that much – except for my new, single-minded dedication to blogging! It was a relief to discover I hadn’t “lost myself” as much as I thought. And to RE-discover I’ve always been a Geek, a Goofbeauxll, a flagrant flouter of conventional grammatical rules, and a serial repeat offender of “Exclampo Abuse!!”

http://deeporshallowthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/05/putting-pancreatitis-to-rest.html

Photo: 2010 (the Goldilocks years)

Artists

Animator

Ballerina[o]

Creator

Designer

Expressionist

Filmmaker

Gigolo

Hobbyist

Intensifier

Journalist

Karaoke Performer

Lyricist

Maestro

Newspaperperson

Oracle

Pianist

Quotation Marker

Reader

Singer

Teacher

Ukelele Player

Venn Diagram Specialist

Wordsmith

X-Ray Artist

Yodler

Zeitgeist

Writers

Anthologist

Blogger

Columnist

Diarist

Editor

Freelancer

Ghostwriter

Humorist

Imaginist

Journalist

Karacter Killer

Librarian

Mythologist

Novelist

Observer

Poetess

Questioner

Raconteur

Storyteller

Typist

Underminer

Vocabularist

Webspinner

Xeroxer

Young Adulter

Zelda

The Girlfriends’ Guide to Healing a Broken Heart

If you’re dealing with a broken heart, I suggest this mini-manual (monograph, really). It is broken into several sections.

I. SUGGESTIONS:

1. Cry a bunch of sloppy wet tears. Make sure to put Kleenex on your Amazon Subscribe & Save list. You’ll need them. And you might want to buy some extra mascara or false eyelashes; just in case your current supply gives out.

2. Listen to a bunch of Toni Braxton songs (loop “He Wasn’t Man Enough For Me”; it’ll make you feel better). At least it did me. I listened to it over and over again, along with lots of what my younger friends call “Emo” music, or something like that. No one’s ever been able to explain the actual time period that defines it, so I’m just going off my own personal understanding of “Emo Music” here. I think its Poster Child is Alanis Morisette. So that would be what, the ‘90s? Okay, enough about her.

3. Tell at least one person the whole ugly story, soup to nuts. You have to get that shame out of you, sister! It helps if you have a “help-you-bury-the-body-and-give you-an-alibi” friend like my friend Gina. Who I met on Bumble Friends of all places! Can you even believe that? I find these kinds of conversations often require a solid stomach with some greasy Mexican food and frozen margaritas coating it. That’s your stomach and the conversation: they’re both better with margaritas. Unless you have too many, and then you’ll have a hard time with tequila, and you definitely don’t need an adverse relationship with tequila if you’ve got a broken heart.

4. Try to go out with your oldest and dearest friends, but you might want to make some new ones, too. I’m just saying that “Sometimes new friends ask really good new questions.” And can provide a whole new outlook on you and your “situation.” They can also gently force you out of your comfort zone in brand new, buttery soft kid gloves. The kind that never ever go on sale at Macy’s. They just don’t, and neither does the crystal or china. I can understand why with the china because people are always getting married, but surely there’s an off season for gloves in San Antonio, Texas?!

5. Also, try to do something you haven’t done in a really long time. The activity should be something you used to do easily as a child or adolescent. This is to help you avoid too much over-thinking. And you know how easily we can do that when somebody dumps us! I personally have a tendency to sit around and obsess about what I did wrong, but I’m sure as shit getting sick of that song and dance (and you know how I love the combination of song and dance). Especially since I have been getting therapy every single week for the last two years, so I don’t think it’s all about me. But whatever. You can’t fix everybody. Okay, so we were trying to get you to stop overthinking by avoiding activities which require overthinking in the first place. It’s got to be something you can lose yourself in on a visceral level. Like riding a bike, going swimming, miming if that’s your thing and you’ve been doing it long enough that you can honestly say you’re on autopilot when you’re miming and NOT over-thinking it. In fact, shoot for an activity which requires no analytical thinking whatsoever. For me, this state is achieved through immersion in music; music I have loved forever as well as new [to me] music. And a teeny tiny little bit of marijuana in moderation, but I really do have PTSD, okay? So let’s go ahead and stay away from that topic: I’m most certainly not advocating lawlessness here! But Girlfriend, there isn’t a Heartbreak Alive without a soundtrack! And if yours doesn’t have one, you need to get one yesterday, so go ahead and sign up for Spotify now. Trust me: you’re going to need it. It’s only $10.81 per month and you can cancel at any time. You’ll also need a decent pair of earbuds if music is also going to be your “visceral thing” (a good soundtrack is a fluid concept, so you’ll need to be listening to it practically 24/7). Just remember to take the earbuds out before you shower or go to sleep, as I had two ENT appointments in as many months because those plastic ear cover thingies came off and got stuck deep down in my ear canal. Yikes! The same ear both times, because I always sleep on my left side. Isn’t that so gross? Not to mention it felt like the guy was poking an icepick into my ear both times to fish them back out. Not to mention, I even had to take antibiotics, I shit you not! But if YOU are willing to be responsible with your earbuds, you won’t need to spend more than $35.99 [in my humble opinion, okay, and this is just my opinion!] for a decent and relatively durable pair. Especially if you’re an Amazon Prime Member ($10.99/month). Plus, if you add an Audible membership ($16.99/month), the earbuds practically pay for themselves. Except for the fact the analogy doesn’t work because you’re getting nothing back, but Amazon ($0) always offers rebates and sales on earbuds, so that’s where I recommend you start. And REMEMBER: these are merely investments towards your recovery, so garbage-in/garbage-out❣️ Or is that FIFO vs. LIFO? I can never remember the difference.

6. Okay, we’re upping the ante and hitting our crescendo now, so buckle in, girls. Do one thing – just one tiny little thing – that you’ve never ever done before. Just to say you did. And to see what happens. For me it was Actually Going To A Bar By Myself. I’m 54 years old (I know I don’t look it), and I literally had to talk myself into it 4 times [out loud, that’s why I said “literally”] in my car before I was able to Walk. Through. That. Front. Door. I had to psych myself up for it like the worst session of arachnophobia de-sensitization training ever! But what’s really important is that I did it❣️ And guess which bar I chose for This Little Experiment? I chose the karaoke bar down the street. I chose it because it was [like I said] down the street, next to the sushi place I always go to (literally always because I’ve been there 25 times in 2 months), and the parking was and is extensive and “up close” (think 7-11 vs. Kroger). Which is important if you’ve shellacked your hair and makeup in preparation for your Terrifying New Adventure and you live in San Antonio (aka “Little Hades”), Texas. The windows were blacked out so I googled it first to make sure it wasn’t a “gentleman’s club” for my first-ever “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” experience. Yes, some people and a throuple-in-waiting gave off a weird vibe, but the female bartender made sure nobody slipped roofies into my drink. And the miracle of the whole night is that I had such a wonderful time! I got up for my virgin karaoke performance on my virgin “night to a bar by myself” and belted out, in my terrible voice, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC. I found my muse in Karaoke and She is Me! A fellow female patron videotaped my performance, and I can tell you that empirically and undeniably, it is SOLID! Nothing like what I’m capable of now, but it was A Night of Two Firsts, so I couldn’t be prouder. Not to mention, I looked totally hot (or at least that’s what a grubby looking guy at the bar said).

<<put your finger to your tongue, get it slightly (just slightly!) wet, put it back up in the air, and make a sizzling sound; yes, that gesture>>.

7. Take solace in familiar comforts which have soothed your abrasions in the past (because those comfortable things are indeed comforting), but also:

8. Make the decision to spice up your heartbreak this go around. Be willing to switch things up a little bit. At the very least, be willing to just do one or two things differently. C’mon, let’s say it together: We can and will heal our hearts better/quicker/deeper this time❣️

II. PRESCRIPTION:

If I were your Official Love Doctor (that’s an OLD, so you know I’m highly qualified), I’d write you a prescription for “Karaoke On an Off-Night”. Which is the perfect time to practice for an “On-Night.” And look: what started out as a new Guilty Pleasure for me has now turned into my very own YouTube channel called Karaoke Konnection with 15 captivate-ated subscribers to prove it! I like to go to MY “local karaoke place” as often as I’m able (anywhere from 0 to 2 nights per week) to video-capture both talented and artistic local Karaoke performances. I don’t know what differentiates the two, only that no one would mistake my karaoke performances for either one. But the Big Picture here is that now I’m starting to envision myself as the Restaurant Critic of the Karaoke Industry: the one who’s known for spotting the hidden gems. Kind of like social media’s version of American Idol. With me hosting❣️ My mission will be: To travel the world in search of the Best Karaoke Performances. I’m fully aware there’s a decent chance I’ll get picked up by the networks, but I know it probably isn’t likely. As in 100% guaranteed. But at the very least, I have a good reason to go to ALL karaoke bars by myself now❣️ And I make sure someone videotapes me when I get up there to conduct my performances. Then, as the channel’s Founder and Visionary, I get to bury my videos among the videos of the truly talented and artistic. Don’t let anybody tell you the company you keep isn’t important! At the end of the day, my last heartbreak just might be responsible for revolutionizing Global Popular Music. It’s an indisputable win for humanity❣️ And that makes me feel personally fulfilled in a whole new way. I know it can happen to you as well. Dreams really can come true at any age. ❤️

III. Q & A:

Question: You don’t think you ever stand up and sing in front of a room full of strangers.
Answer: “Where better to find out?”

Question: You’re worried you’ll make an complete and utter ass out of yourself.
Answer: “Where better to find out?”

IV. PARTING WORDS:

No one will care [too much] if your voice is horrible when you go out and do this New-Old Thing. Mine certainly is! In fact, I have objective proof that one Karaoke Jockey [referred to as a “K.J.” by those of us in the Biz] in particular always turns off the mic when it’s my turn to sing. And I don’t blame him! He’s working for tips, after all. And for me: it’s all about the “dancing and prancing in front of a crowd” [gerund] for me, anyway.

But regarding YOUR Passion Process To Be: continuing with our Karaoke metaphor (you didn’t realize it had become a metaphor yet because it hadn’t before now), don’t forget that you’re PAYing to PLAY the rock star in this fantasy, so why not maximize your investment?

Oh, wait, I do have one final piece of advice for you before you all head out to your local Karaoke bars tonight, all alone and by yourself: Don’t try to sing any of The Dark Child’s songs yourself because then you just will be making a total ass out of myself. I’d suggest avoiding songs by Beyoncé as well. Let’s start with the low-hanging fruit, shall we?

Daniel Day-Lewis and Other Writers

I want to ask a question of The Writers here on WordPress. I don’t qualify as one because I only play one on TV, and even that’s just over on my own YouTube Channel with only 15 concrete [but who knows how many potential and therefore relentlessly harassed!] subscribers. (?)

So my question is this (and I already know you’re going to catch me in multiple “grammar fails” throughout the duration of this, so I’m just gonna save us both some time by going ahead and copping to it):

When YOU write, do you prefer the dark to the light, the pain to the joy, the HEAVY to the LIGHT-AS-A-FEATHER? Because it all comes down to just being human, doesn’t it?

And what’s our alternative to THAT, even with all the “slings and arrows” that come with said territory? We can’t become dolphins, after all. And honestly we probably wouldn’t want to: it’s terrible what happens to them when they get tangled up in nets and the next thing they know, they’re all cut up and part of your tunafish sandwich. So think about that for 1 or 2 seconds!

#startingtomaybeunderstandthis”kharma”biznessbutnotsureI’mthereyet

Anyway, I ask all of this of you because lately – and at a not-young age – I’ve noticed that ditching my feelings of shame and [reasonable? unreasonable?] guilt by writing about them on my blog has led to some strange feelings of nearly-unbearable lightness.

In fact, for my younger writers, there’s actually a movie about that very same topic from the early ‘90s featuring a SMOKING HOT 🔥 Daniel-Day Lewis. His name is Tomás in the movie, and he WILL try your patience, I can assure you!

I’ve never really understood what the movie’s about, though. And I’ve even read the book predating the movie by Milan Kundera. A couple of hundred of times!

I think it’s about LIFE getting so bad for the characters that they become “lite” as a way to cope. Or that everyone responds that way when they’re exposed to seemingly-unsurvivable suffering. Like I said: I honestly can’t remember! I was probably just looking at Daniel Day-Lewis, anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So anyway, my point is I don’t know what Your Muse looks like. As for me and Mine, we kind of feel like we’ve [maybe? possibly? hopefully? please?] just finished 15-20 years of all that pain. And all that “seemingly-unsurvivable suffering”. All the time, or as I’m fond of saying: 25/8/9,162.

So I just kind of feel like it’s finally my time to be Lite in all Matters of Mind, Body, Heart, Soul, and Spirit.

And I’m having so much fun I can hardly stand it❣️ There’s something very inspirational in The Unbearable Lightness of Being.