Not that anyone cares

This is “It” and I at our absolutely most annoying, irritating, and obnoxious. And our most intoxicated (to the point of forgetting we were recording at multiple times during the evening).

Yeah, I wouldn’t introduce me to your kids, either! I’m a terrible influence on everyone around me. And It is just as bad – if not WORSE‼️

Only if you like eavesdropping on two people who can’t keep their mouths shut for more than ten seconds could you even potentially find this video entertaining…

P.S. It [the video] has a false finish, like all of my favorite karaoke songs. This one’s not over until we’re finally “parched.”

PROOF‼️

How I Like to be KISSed

You don’t have to be cool to be my boy,
You don’t have to be dumb to be my toy.
Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with
I just want your extra time in your kiss.
You don't have to be rich to be my guy
You don't have to be tall to hang my sky*
(light my sky?)*
(night my sky?)
(bright my sky?)
(bright my night?)
(make me sigh?)*
(fly me high?)*
(fly my sky?)*
(lift me high?)*
(lots that end in “thighs,” but I'm shooting for romantic here...)
(is “star my sky” too much?)

*my personal favorites

This is serious business, friends❣️ I’m preparing for my next Karaoke performance!! I’m looking for perfection, so please weigh in❣️ I’ll show you the proof, so if the words aren’t right, it’s not all on me.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. For each and every one of you who’s ever read a single one of my posts, this year my greatest and most gratifying gift is YOU❣️

When You’ve Got a Hammer

When you’ve got a hammer

All you see are nails

Welcome to the way that

It feels to be fe-male’

Cause when you’ve got a hammer

You’re looking for a hole

You like to force the rage out

That percolates below

And when you take your hammer

You shatter someone’s glass

It could have been my own date

Now grabbing at my ass!

We all can use our hammers

To put each other down

You even ditched your woman

To play “Man About Town

The one who stood beside you

When things in life got tough

The one who always loved you

And thought you were enough

She even liked your hammer

When it no longer worked

So why’d you end up treating

Her like such a jerk?

Now here it’s ten years later

You’re acting quite the creep

You think a beer will buy me

Dude: I don’t come that cheap

The only way I’ll date you

Is Payment in Advance

And with no invitation:

Keep your hammer in your pants!

These are the second set of lyrics (poem?) I’ve written according to the beat of another song. Essentially, my tool for stimulating creativity. #ShapeSong

Artists

Animator

Ballerina[o]

Creator

Designer

Expressionist

Filmmaker

Gigolo

Hobbyist

Intensifier

Journalist

Karaoke Performer

Lyricist

Maestro

Newspaperperson

Oracle

Pianist

Quotation Marker

Reader

Singer

Teacher

Ukelele Player

Venn Diagram Specialist

Wordsmith

X-Ray Artist

Yodler

Zeitgeist

Prompt from F-Book… “Concerts Attended which ‘Date’ Me:”

The Brady Bunch (that’s right), Judy Collins, Shaun Cassidy, Foreigner (Juke Box Hero), Journey (Open Arms), CULTURE CLUB (!), ZZ Top (twice), 38 Special, Golden Earring, Rod Stewart, The Church, The Replacements, U2, THE WHO (4 hour drive in each direction), Huey Lewis and the News, Johnny Rotten’s rotten band, Charlie Sexton, Elvis Costello, Bob Schneider, Black Sabbath (wow, what a story!), and Van Halen. I’m sure I’m missing at least 10.

At outdoor venues, like Chastain Park in Atlanta, Tanglewood in the Berkshires, and Ravinia outside of Chicago. I remember seeing Chicago, The Boston Pops, and Kenny Loggins at those 3 places, respectively. But I’m certain I forgot many. Including Mary Chaplin Carpenter, multiple incarnations of Fleetwood Mac, a 1990s version of Crosby, Stills, and ??, and again, too many my Gray Matter has forgotten to remember.

Which ones date you?

P.S. I’m really sorry for painting your cool outfit with highlighter yellow, Shaun. I was eleven when you Arrived, so hopefully you understand about short-term memory loss and technology missteps.

P.P.S. For the record, I stopped wanting to marry you in 1979. So I’m not cyber-stalking you, no matter what Billy Squier says.

My Impending Divorce

Dear Spotify:

Did you not read my post yesterday about how You were one of the Last Heroes of Smartphone Integrity in these days of “Technology Rape?”

Simply for allowing us to listen to our music on your app while actually simultaneously DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, like paying bills on other apps?

You don’t like being a Hero much, do you?

Because, as of this morning, this one quality – this one thing that made you [somewhat] special – is now officially gone. Erased by Hal (of Space Odyssey notoriety, youngsters) during my “download” last night. You know: the one that goes into that Matrix port in my brain while I’m sleeping?

I’d like to think it was an accident, or something silly like “Operator Error.” Only this Operator isn’t stupid and didn’t turn stupid overnight.

Do you honestly think I have nothing better to do than listen to your music while simultaneously staring at your boring static app?

Maybe I don’t really need your answer to that last question. The more egregious fallout of your betrayal is what you’re literally forcing me to do here.

Which is sending me into the cold, hard, made-of-85karat-gold arms of Jeff Bezos. You know that, don’t you? And after I publicly stated he’s been relentlessly pursuing me for the last few months?

I do not want to be embraced by those arms! Maybe by Any Other Living Arms, but not his.

So what was it they did in the Old Testament? I think it was speaking these words out loud:

“I Divorce You, I Divorce You, I Divorce You!”

-Leviticus or one of the other “First Five”

I’m pretty sure witnesses weren’t required, so I’m just providing y’all with a front row seat to my Impending Divorce.

And damnit, but I’ve had to go through a lot of divorces lately! Not to mention the Two Before.

You know the part I hate the most about Divorce? [I am an undisputed expert, so please do listen well]…

It’s all the crap you have to do (or, The Four “F’s”, as I like to call them):

  1. Fucking Pack up all your shit (*see note below)
  2. Find alternate services
  3. Fill out all that godforsaken paperwork – even if it is digital, it still should be done away with under The Paperwork Reduction Act (**see second note)
  4. And probably most importantly: Figure out how to get your needs met by the new guy (***see third note)

*Theres nothing I hate more than assembling those loathsome wardrobe boxes from U-Haul. And you know I’m going to need about 14, you greedy motherfucker! I’d almost stay with you to avoid this whole process, but I’m starting to get ANGRY now, and trust me: nobody needs to see that. So I’m coming for you, Confounding Tape Dispenser with Teeth! We’re about to renew our relationship.

**Why doesn’t The Paperwork Reduction Act address Paperwork In General? Because it’s high time we got rid of it all! Collectively decided to wipe it from The Face of The Earth! I’ll even use my monthly $10.81 (x 60 months, don’t lose sight of that!) Spotify payment to contribute to that cause.

***Regarding #4: Really? Next to assembling wardrobe boxes, you know how I despise breaking in a “new guy.” After years of cultivating playlists that actually have personal significance to me, you’re forcing me to do it all over again. With a newbie.

I just don’t get it, Spotify. Other than that one time in 2018, did I ever miss a payment? No, I did not. So then…Why? Because you know what? I was actually thankful for the Music you brought into my Toneless Life. I enjoyed adding a soundtrack to my daily life. I even enjoyed that karaoke playlist that I used to prepare for my shitty little performances. Maudlin of me, I know.

Besides, how can I put on a decent performance if I can’t look at the lyrics from Jeff’s sight while listening to said songs? As a matter of fact: your petty jealousy is preventing me from realizing my dreams of becoming The Next Karaoke Sensation. I will personally blame you if my dreams [so fresh and new after having none for so long] never reach fruition.

I thought you loved me, but you just married me for my money.

The truth hurts, but I can’t live with all of you ruthless capitalists anymore! I’m going to join a fringe group like the Peace Corps or something equally radical because like I said: I’m really starting to get pissed off here.

Did I not just advise you to Never Underestimate Me?

What’s that expression again?

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

-Not sure

Well, can I just say that this woman is feeling both scorned and furious right now?

So if you’ve done me wrong, I suggest you start implementing counter-surveillance maneuvers and change your locks. Also, you might want to park that Ferrari somewhere with controlled access. I know you’ll just get it fixed, but my keys are really sharp and I can’t help that they start vibrating in my hand when I see your fleet of luxury automobiles in my pot-hole-riddled parking lot.

The Soundtrack In Jennifurrville today: Heroes

We’re off to a great start today! It’s better if you play this song at the same time as you look at the [revised] lyrics. Fortunately, Spotify still allows you to play the songs you pay $10.81/month to listen to while on other apps, so thank you for the generosity, Spotify (big shout out to you for owning all our music until we unsubscribe, at which point you take your music away – even the downloaded stuff!)

But I digress. You simply have to hear Bowie’s voice crack when he amps up the volume towards the end (minute 3:17 for those who feel the need to skip ahead). At this point, the song has the potential to transport you to the Land of Unicorns and Leprechauns. I want to go.

I’ll even rent an Uber Bus so we can ALL go❣️

https://open.spotify.com/track/7Jh1bpe76CNTCgdgAdBw4Z?si=kp_cBA7hSAKaSrZ8KCtw1w

I, I will be king (queen)
And you, you will be queen (king)
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day

And you, you can be mean
And I, I’ll drink all the time (smoke weed)
‘Cause we’re lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we’re lovers, and that is that
Though nothing will keep us together
We could steal time just for one day
We can be heroes for ever and ever
What d’you say?

I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, for ever and ever
Oh we can be Heroes, just for one day

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be Heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day

I, I can remember (I remember)
Standing, by the wall (by the wall)
And the guns, shot above our heads (over our heads)
And we kissed, as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)
And the shame, was on the other side
Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever
Then we could be Heroes, just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes

We’re nothing, and nothing will help us
Maybe we’re lying, then you better not stay
But we could be safer, just for one day

Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh, just for one day

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Brian Eno / David Bowie / Andrea Schroeder

“You Never Miss a Play though You Make Quite a Few”

I was a young and impressionable 14-year-old when Billy Squier started singing his songs, playing his guitar, and strutting around in that special way of his in 1981.

I don’t care what disgusting things everybody says he did in that video from the 1990s. He can do those same disgusting things to me❣️

TWENTY-FIVE HOURS A DAY AND EIGHT DAYS A WEEK.

C’mon Y’all Let’s Exorcise!

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread
Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!


Don’t come back and bring your friends!
Your time with Me is at an End
I’m so sick of the Words You Say
The Words that never let me Play
I’ve told you you must pack your Bags
You’ve turned into a TOTAL DRAG
I want you out; I want to Sing
I want to be Authentic Me
All I’m Asking’s to be Free
To not Feel Shame or Misery
And Show the Truest Part of Me

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread

Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!

We’re really done; I swear it’s true
Those words so often said by you
No longer welcome Here are They
So find another place to Stay
I hate your voice and all it wants
Go find another soul to haunt!
I want you out; I want to Sing
I want to be Authentic Me
All I’m Asking’s to be Free

To not Feel Shame or Misery
And Show the Truest Part of Me

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread

Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!

A Child Cries, Unheard

If Grown-Up You met Little me,
Would you seize Opportunity
To Spend some Time Alone with me?
So you could have your way with me?
When Grown-Up You met Little me.

If Cunning You met First-Grade me,
And no adults were there to see,
You’d whisper that You dream of me,
Embarrassed, I would blush and freeze.
When Cunning You met First-Grade me.

If Evil You met Trusting me,
You’d kill the innocence in me.
You’d carve Your wounds of Pain on me,
And strip me of my dignity.
When Evil You met Trusting me.

Tell it, Sir, Please tell it true.
I pray there’s still some Good in You.

Please Mister, What’s Your Rationale;
What Made You Steal a Little Child?


You Swear that there’s a Voice to Blame,
A Voice Who Wears Your Face and Name.
This Voice Who Bound me to the Floor,
Is this the Voice You Can’t Ignore?

You think You’ve Gotten Rid of me,
But I’ll Haunt You Relentlessly
Expose the Hell Behind Your Eyes.
They’re all I saw before I died.

Revised 9/26/21