A Great Face is Hard to Fake


No amount of time
Can stake a claim,
Claim to waste,
Or attempt to erase
A truly great,
Greatly True face.

To even acquire One
Requires EXTRA time
To build and bake,
Then disgrace
Into The Greatest
Of All Faces.

It’s The Last Act
That’s halfway Gracious,
So Accept it,
Don’t disdain it, and

Shine for the Sake of
ALL That’s Beautiful
Inside AND Outside of
Impossibly Gorgeously
Beautiful You.

Don’t worry, I’ll gladly
Shine with you; will YOU
Be Chance-of-Shining
With US TWO, too?

The latest and greatest of
Good News globally for you is:


“You no longer have to await
The Sun’s Return
Before allowing
Your OWN baby rays
To blaze reflectly through.”

Even a shadowy glimpse of my skeleton’s bared-toothy grin darkly deflected back at me in the middle of the night has glared me into a terrified, startled response.

The Salt From Tears

THE SALT IN TEARS

Tears are important, too.

When I travel down a deep dark tunnel into a fathomless black hole of despair, I rely on my tears to remind me
I’m still a soul,
sitting in a body,
feeling sad right now.

Tears anchor and tether me; both are equally salvationary.

Enneagram Types: Defined by an Idiote

ENNEAGRAM TYPES

1s
Have their Feet planted on the ground and their Finger pointed in your face.

2s:
Where do YOU want to live? I’m a great roommate: “Mi casa Su casa” any day, but I won’t give you “Alone Time” at Either Place.

3s
Are accomplished and successful, or at least they’ll go to great subconscious lengths to make you think so.

4s
Are simply The Most Compassionate Understanding People you never want to cross. The Sole Digit on Two Hands as comfortable shedding tears as pealing laughs.

5s
Obsess with “just the facts, ma’am” and may seem a Bit Distant and a Bite Adjacent; in other words, they can be quirkily contrary.

6s
Are terrified of potential scenarios, but spend much inner dialogue identifying and executing Countermeasures to prevent them in the first place. They always show up, but have the good sense to head home if it rains.

7s
Constantly distract themselves with future dreams, especially those involving fun. Advisory: All Fantasy Must be Imagined at the 7’s leisure.

8s
If they were Bulls, would be taunting Matadors one minute and breaking China in China Shops the next.

9s
Go along to get along.
They’re invited along because They’re easy to have along,
They don’t yell for long,
And they agree with Everyone
And Almost Everything
Along the way.

I Know MY Number; Does Your Number know You?

Do you have the FOUR-sight to predict Mine?

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest

Premature Aging & A Peter Pan Complex

LATE TO BLOOM,
LATE TO FADE

I hurried up and
aged real fast over
the last couple of years.

Before that,
People always thought
I was a good 10 years younger.

ALWAYS RUSHING THINGS

I’ve always rushed my
Aging Process;
It became my “force of habit.”

Which perhaps explains
Some of the recent
Adolescent behavior,
Emotional Lability,
Vain preening,
Juvenile clothing style,
and
Lapses in judgment?

[If you say No,
I’ll just rebel anyway].

“FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF”

“FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF”

Chances are, Most People who feel sorry for Themselves aren’t doing so out of pathological Self-absorption.

Rather, most are probably doing it because Nobody felt sorry for Them when They needed Someone to.

And/Or They didn’t extend the appropriate sorrow to Themselves when They needed Someone to.

HAVE A GIANT PITY PARTY if that’s what you Need to do.

Somebody probably needs to cry for a very reasonable, Age-Appropriate Reason.

CRY, BABY

CRY, BABY

Anyone who says
“You shouldn’t Cry for Yourself”
Is a big fat liar.

You should cry for all ages of Yourself if you need to.
I know it sounds hokey, but it’s actually very freeing once you get past the embarrassment of it.

The thing is: there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

Welled-but-unshed tears are painful energy with no place to go.

If you don’t allow your body it’s natural response,

Your Body will cry for YOU!
Your soul will weep for you,
People will gnash their teeth at you,
And ultimately,
Your heart won’t beat for you.

I should know;
First-hand experience,
Multiple times,
All counts.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

APOLOGY FREQUENCY MATTERS:
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER?

98% – NEVER

It never occurred,
It never mattered;
Your Insignificance isn’t
A Significant Matter.


2% – OLD & COLD

It no longer matters.
We can’t fix the matter.
It once was ALL that mattered
[To me, at least],
But the whole matter
Exited my Gray Matter, so
I won’t weigh the matter.

FOR MY EX-HUSBAND

I feel no pity,
You treated me shitty.

When I was broken,
You spared no token

To usher me away
So I would forever stay

Absent from your presence;
This was the Only Present
Gifted to Me by You,

Because you’re such a spineless twit!
For you I don’t give a single shit
And miss you not the SLIGHTEST bit.

In fact I’m so ever-scary-glad
I don’t have to be your “Better Half.”
Let your replacement wife play this role;
I found it limp as well as cold
And as unsatisfying as your touch,
Which moved me Never and “Not Much.”

I’ll conclude with the book review
I’ve written of my life with you:
[It may be late, but it’s still true]
“The most tiresome and boring, Inglorious Story
Ever read or ever told.”

Return on Investment?

No one should choose you
Then leave you to feel
Like a Giant Loser
Instead of the Lucky Winner;
Chances are the Loser Won the Lottery
But eventually Lost his Money
And didn’t taste your sweetness, Honey.

He’s the Most Expensive Loser,
The one whose costs won’t be recovered
Nor the Gift-Wrapped Prize of You,
Sent back to spoil as Over-cooked.

You cried and begged too long for Food,
It wasn’t wise, it wasn’t good;
Some people just aren’t worth the Waste
Of precious time; their bitter taste
Sits like Ash within one’s mouth;
Such Losers are best thrown out!

Confessions, Pt. 1: Childhood

Snapchat Mom

As a kid who went through lots of families as her parents failed at their efforts at happiness, I somehow latched on to 2 beliefs in childhood that became CONVICTIONS.

1. I believed the only way I could ever be happy was to get married and have a family of my own. So that I could do it right; be the One who finally Got It Right.

2. The only way to Achieve happiness is through Achievement. You must excel at Something, or you’re Nothing.

I was temporarily successful at achieving a life centered around these convictions.
However, I was ultimately unsuccessful at both. Not always because of something I did. But some things I did probably didn’t help the situation, either. I tend to “flee” when in distress. I don’t know why, but it’s not the best for relationships. Especially if you consider that “fleeing” can take place mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

So what does it look like when none of your dreams come true? What happens when you find yourself

Alone Up, Down, and Sideways far too late in life to be alone up, down, and sideways?

Answer: I have no idea. There was no rule book.

I only can speak for myself. The look I’m currently sporting is called “The Best That I Can.”

How does it suit me?
I’m asking to be nice. Regardless of your answer, I happen to think it’s Perfectly Suitable.

The Dividends of Vulnerability

THE YIELD OF VULNERABILITY

I prefer to pen thoughts painfully,
Shine a Beam Internally,
In my search to Find in Me
Ghosts lurking Hauntingly.

Plagued by the Poisoned
Parts, Our Hearts
Were Forced To Feed and Eat;
Wounds opened non-surgically
Flood facts Indiscriminately,

Hoisting Pain On YOU From ME,
Always or Temporarily.
It’s worth the Cost:
“Expensively Vulnerable”

Pays Returns Quite Handsomely;
The End Result Astoundingly
Clears my Slate and Sets me Free
Of Forced Expectation

Regrets, Forgets, and Lapse of Judgment
The Only Fly in THIS Fly’s Ointment
Oft-pronounced; to all announced
Flies of Flawsability
I owned them all so selfishly.

My heart now holds Ready Stores
Of love I’ve searched my whole life for:
Why’d I’d never look inside before?

The Time I spent on Introspection
Burning back through Much Reflection
Invite Hopes I hope not Jaded,
Too Sun-Bleached or Over-Faded;
Pay Any Price for Inner Peace
With dividends long promised
Me;
My Investment? Self-care-ish
Time I Spent on Therapy.

The Biggest Yield is
I’m free to Feel
And Self-Reveal
What Conceals
Within my poetry:
It Shines a Beam
As Friendly Monsters Kindly
Split the Tab ‘twixt YOU and ME.

EXORCISING MONSTERS

One poem led to the next today. You can see it in the last 3 especially. Which is unusual – even for a Weirdo like me.


EXORCISING MONSTERS

Efforts spent on Effervescence
Returning Yields much High Investment.
Once Erased or Out of focus,
Under-beds, when Freed of Monsters
Thoughts Untangled freely Wander
Aimlessly amble;
Freely Wonder
Far away from the Black Hole
Of “Terribilities” up below.
When thick enough to face your fears
And See What Lies Beneath Your Tears,
You’ll soon Crush with ALL YOUR Strength,
Pull the Stops and Go the Lengths,
Fearless Fears You’ll Push Against,
Escaping; Nothing Terrifies!
So Whole is Your Piece of Mind.

WINNERS & LOSERS

The Winner only wants to be Loved for Herself.

The Loser Leaves, not feeling as if He’s escaped with his very life…

The Winner to gloat while bloodshedding on the sharp. shattered, shit-stained shards of the Shadow of her Former Soul.

Oh well, Shit Happens!!

At least, She’ll get over it and learn from Mistakes Made. She’ll pair Her Whole Self with another Whole Self next time.

The Loser’s Unexamined life will remain Clouded by the litter of Unconsidered Mistakes.

SO DIRTY

The way I look at it, Life double-fucked me.

It first fucked me in Childhood by preventing me from developing healthy coping skills (parents didn’t fret over their kids’ feelings too much back then).

I was DOUBLE-fucked because I needed those coping skills to weather the unspeakable horrors and tragedies Adulthood had in store for me.

Some time after aged 30, during 15 years of 15 major surgeries and Plenty Of Other Crap, I began coping the only way that worked for me: chemically.

I found I needed pain and anxiety medication to get through the day. Both ANY DAY and EVERY DAY.

Truth.

This always serves as the Official Reason People Who Gave Up On Me give for Giving Up On Me. I honestly don’t think I was that bad, but I wasn’t around for most of it. I was too numb.

Yet, with no Outer Pressure and DESPITE having minimal coping skills and a practically-nonexistent support system, I threw a giant cosmic wrench at myself. For no reason whatsoever, I chose to resort to my Chemical Coping Skills ONLY when they were desperately needed. Which is practically never, much to my own shock!

This choice has delivered me to Emergency Rooms on numerous occasions, certain I was in the middle of a stroke or heart attack, so great is my pain, anxiety, and nausea from both.

Remarkably almost-sober (don’t take my cannabis away from me; it helps with the nausea!), my thoughts often scare the ever-living shit out of me.

I personally find this ridiculous journey upon which I have embarked an extremely courageous one all the same.

I now Actively Disappoint rather than just Passively. Maybe you have to have been on a Similar Journey to understand what this means, but I think it means “I’m proud of myself❣️”

So Folks Who Want To Vilify Me: Stand in Line.

The person suspiciously ABSENT from that line will be ME.

There is Virtue in Suffering

There is Virtue in Suffering

Pain Resides in Us and we can’t escape ourselves despite our noble and ignoble institutions, substances, activities, behaviors, distractions, and sundry other coping behaviors to help us do so.

All immersion in suffering-displacing techniques TEMPORARILY displaces Pain, but by displacing Pain, we’re also displacing Self-Acceptance, which I believe is the seed which grows into the Giant Redwood of Joyful Wholeness. I’m not OFFICIALLY sure because I’m not there yet!

I do want to clarify: when I talk about Pain I’m talking about Feeling Pain vs. Painful Events Occurring in a person’s life. If we survive both of them, we come out Overcomers or Victims, respectively.

I think I decided to allow Pain to have its way with me when I got sick and tired of being victimized by what felt like was Everybody, Everyone, and Everything. I was living my entire life in the Adult Biped Version or the Human Fetal Position. I don’t know that I’m NOT now.

But at least I KNOW IT, HAVE PROCESSED IT, AM WORKING ON IT, AM WRITING ABOUT IT, and AM SHARING IT.

By doing all of these things, I am bursting my bubbles, dashing my hopes, tarnishing my image, shattering my ego, losing my dreams, disappointing others instead of myself, burning my bridges, clearing my slates, starting at zero (zero is delicious), beginning again, growing into, becoming, expanding my options, opening doors, breaking ceilings, running deep, running low, running high, running new, and STARTING OVER.

At MY age!! And with all of my wretched disgusting awful brokenness, I STILL can’t believe how wonderful the person I’m turning into is becoming! I know it sounds corny, but when you’re not running away from yourself, you realize you’re not so bad. Maybe you’re even pretty amazing.

Thanks to Everyone [SO much] for going on this journey with me❣️ I honestly think it’s very brave of you.

Though Grace 🌞 has always been here, and she’s still alive to tell about it!! ♥️

ALSO: I know I’ve mentioned it before, BUT IN CASE ANYBODY MISSED IT, Everyone DOES realize I’ve written the ENTIRETY of this blog with my Right Thumb on the WordPress App on my IPhone 12 Mini, Right? I’m blind, dead, and dumb because of it [yes, I said “desd”], so hopefully you’ll excuse any typos.

A TASTE OF IT

I may be smart but really dumb
At MY age to sign up to Run
And Chase You and other Sons-of-Guns
Who want to house me Under Thumb.

It’s time I find Myself a Clue,
And Get the Hell AWAY from You!

I’ll hold Myself both Tall and Free.
Newly Freed, I’m Free Indeed,
Bursting with the Fully Free
Freedom Only Found in Me.


(Thanks to @nicholasampson for the photo)

NEVER TOO PROUD…

I know I said earlier I was basically a nice person who had simply been banged up by Life too much.

So I feel my Conscience telling me to apologize to the people at the 24-hour CVS for my Public Meltdown the other day when they refused to fill my post-oral-surgical antibiotics because ANOTHER CVS filled the RX first.

I was in a lot of pain, it was raining cats and dogs, and my flu-beleaguered, blind and deaf 80-year-old Mother was doing all the driving that morning.

And you WERE a little snarky [admit it!].

Nonetheless, I understand “Rules Exist For A Reason.”

But I admitted I bear PHYSICAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, and EMOTIONAL scars.

So while I apologize [I really do], I just don’t understand:

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??

WHY MUST I ALWAYS DO YOUR JOBS FOR YOU!!???

NOBODY HERE CARES IF WE DIE IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE WAY TO THE OTHER CVS!!

AND THEY DON’T CARE AT MY INSURANCE COMPANY EITHER!!

NEITHER DOES THE ENTIRE US GOVERNMENT!!

NOT A SINGLE HUMAN BEING IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD GIVES A CRAP ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!

SO I WILL BE BOYCOTTING THIS STORE UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I NEED A REFILL OF SOMETHING‼️

AND QUIT TAKING ME FOR GRANTED ALL THE TIME WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!

((okay?))