When You’ve Got a Hammer

When you’ve got a hammer

All you see are nails

Welcome to the way that

It feels to be fe-male’

Cause when you’ve got a hammer

You’re looking for a hole

You like to force the rage out

That percolates below

And when you take your hammer

You shatter someone’s glass

It could have been my own date

Now grabbing at my ass!

We all can use our hammers

To put each other down

You even ditched your woman

To play “Man About Town

The one who stood beside you

When things in life got tough

The one who always loved you

And thought you were enough

She even liked your hammer

When it no longer worked

So why’d you end up treating

Her like such a jerk?

Now here it’s ten years later

You’re acting quite the creep

You think a beer will buy me

Dude: I don’t come that cheap

The only way I’ll date you

Is Payment in Advance

And with no invitation:

Keep your hammer in your pants!

These are the second set of lyrics (poem?) I’ve written according to the beat of another song. Essentially, my tool for stimulating creativity. #ShapeSong

The Replacement Queen

My once “Lifetime Love” stole my whole identity,
And all the while, right there in front of me,
He dangled with pride his shiny new love
Who, he proclaimed, fit as snugly as a glove
On the hand of the fam’ly who now said I was too small.
After years of gifts aplenty, I had given them my all.
My fam’ly’s new adventures were no longer shared with me,
All access was cut off, and my presence sold as cheap.
I was barely out the door when the new Queen took my place
Taking on my name and usurping my old space.
With barren, empty pockets, I was banished from my home,
And told to hurry up so they could shine the new Queen’s Throne.
As this richer, clever Queen with great cunning took my place,
The nine years of my footprints were summarily erased.

2020, REPOST

For My Next Love

Is there room in my life for you?
Is there room in your life for me?
You know I don't come to you pristine, newly minted, or shiny and new.
I have felt hurt and caused hurt,
I have been broken by the random and the cruel - and by my own choices.
My body has been ravaged, charting atrocities visited on it by plague and progress.
Yet you love it - even desire it - all the same.
You don't love what I once was; you love me now, scars and all.
Of this much I am certain: where our lives intersect
There's a special space; a pocket of air, a sea of calm, a place of rest
That quickens the war-torn and restores its vigor.
You've fixed your circle on me:
Rounding out my sharp angles and smoothing the rough edges,
Like a balm against chafing.
Like sand against glass.
All without any intention of "fixing" me.
In answer to this gift, I will fight my baser self to love you back, with honor and devotion. I know myself; know this will surely be a struggle.
But I am committed to it.
And in the giving and receiving, I will be transformed into the beauty visible to your heart's eye.
Thank you. Bless you. I love you.

http://deeporshallowthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/07/for-my-new-husband.html

2014

These Lazy Days

About we lie and laugh and laze

In these hot and hazy lust-filled days

Counting clouds amongst temperatures rising

A world of us two, and from others are hiding

Sharing personal jokes only we understand

Facing each other, you reach for my hand

And in that moment, a bond’s made and sealed

A secret pact good as long as we feel

These majestic moments that make up the “now”:

Which are as sure and as sacred as a vocalized vow.

Photo credit: Jennie Clavel. Thank you!

Repost

The Language of Love

Oh! To be known and yet loved for my flaws,
Fills me with hope and gives me great pause.
To think that these gifts
Come without any "ifs"
Makes your words start to stick,
Building trust brick by brick,
And truth day by day,
And all of the while, the words that you say
Begin to sink in; they seem quite sincere,
Both arousing my trust and ousting my fear.
I’m feeling new things that I’ve never yet known,
Could they, just this once,
be my very own?
I don't have the words to describe all this new
Emotion and Growth and Questions without clues.
I only know this mystery transcends my go-to speech,
Its translation is a language grasped only by us each.
When I speak in silence, we both understand,
And volumes are shared when you take my hand.
It is true I feel safe when I’m wrapped in your arms,
Free from all danger; free from all harm.

In you I’ve found treasure.
And exceptional pleasure.
All beyond measure.

2017, Revised 2021

I wonder…

I wonder 
if you're a hairless wonder
or underneath a hairy guy?

I wonder
at your sweetness
on the menu of a cafe?

Will you be cold,
kind or bold,
when you meet me halfway?

I wonder
If I'll blunder
and start to cry?

I wonder
if you‘ll plunder
my depths and make me sigh?

I wonder
of the rhythm that beats in your chest.
Will it pound until dawn
or be calm,
absorbing me with zest?

I wonder
about your lips:
will they be wet
as you kiss my fingertips?

I wonder at those lines,
so tiny on your face.
Will I caress each one
In a digital embrace?

I wonder
if your shoulders will lift
the heavy weight that surrounds me?
And if Ease will finally find me
once you loose the cares around me?

Then I ask myself:
will YOU be the one to
melt the ice from my heart,
long frozen into place?

For Debbie, My Therapist

August 2020

I get my head shrunk each week by woman named Debbie

She helps me to process my grief once I’m ready

Her empathy provides me with a safe place to land

I appreciate how she relates and always understands

Those thoughts that lead me down a path of despair

Always seem more powerful, out of reach in the air

We combat them with “mindfulness”, a tool I’ve just found

With it we lasso these fears to the ground

Once my pain’s in the room, we then can dissect

It from a distance that helps me reflect

On the hurts I have felt all through the years

And in the process I purge many tears

We use hip techniques like “E-M-D-R”

Other times she affirms me and treats me with warmth

I feel quite secure when I talk in her presence

She’s someone I trust with my thoughts most unpleasant

When we look back, we see choppy waters

The hurts from my past, both the grief and the bothers.

I know I have found the best-equipped guide

To help me to cope and bad thoughts exorcise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo courtesy of Priscilla Du Preez. Thank you, Priscilla!

Lavish & Ravish Me (2019)

Pour out your heart and with it do lavish
Your love onto me, and my body please ravish.

The strength of your presence, it beckons me close;
Banishing fear that leaves me exposed.

Yet with you my exposure is no cause for shame:
I feel full of beauty when you breathe my name.

The confidence you engender calls out to my heart,
And tells me it’s fine that I don’t want to part.

Instead, what I want is to grow a great union
Of mind, soul, and spirit in True Cosmic Fusion.

No longer searching for places to hide,
As all that I am warms to beckon you inside.

Again and Again and Again. Forever.

I Felt Alight

I felt alight,
I felt aglow,
When I began to learn and know

The inner You
You chose to share;
I held it with the utmost care.

You opened up
And shared your pain
Underneath the falling rain.

You didn’t lie;
You didn’t hide
The truest You that lives inside.

It proved you brave:
It proved you strong.
And made me feel like I belonged

Inside your space.
Inside that world,
You made me feel all shades of girl.

We told the truth.
We told our tales.
And unlike Bill, we both inhaled.

My stomach growled -
You made me food.
It took a while but it was good!

We played some tunes,
We watched some flicks.
You opened up ‘bout other chicks.

Spilling all
Required real guts.
It helped explain your “ifs” and “buts”:

The things that hurt,
That cause you grief,
The things that make you seek relief.

Sometimes I think
You might shut down
And burn this thing straight to the ground.

I hope I’m wrong,
I hope you see
We have a special chem-i-stry.

I’d like to try
My very best
To learn what burns beneath your chest.

It’s worth a chance
Be free and dance
To give no mind
And leave behind
The awful shame
From years of blame.

I’d toil and sweat and run the race.
I’d even risk my comfort space
To free my truth, long stuck in place
And lie beside you face to face.

2021

Journal, 10/13/21

I can’t tell anybody this, but…

I’m simultaneously the most insecure AND the most intelligent person I know.

No wonder I’m no good at Marriage.

But what are the alternatives for a woman, aged 54, who still desires connection and love? When I’m being serious, people think I’m interviewing for a husband. When I write “I’m not interviewing for a husband; I have no set agenda” on my online dating profile, I get NO responses (or if I do, I’m asked what I’m wearing).

I don’t mind admitting I’m very confused by the dating scene in 2021 for middle-aged people (God, am I going to have to call myself a “senior” next year?). I seem to be very attractive to WOMEN and COUPLES these days, which kind of freaks me out. I think these women want to be my friend, but they don’t: they want to be my friend. I don’t even know if they want me for themselves, their husbands, or both.

This really weirds me out because I’ve relied on my gut instinct my whole life, but it seems to be failing me these days.
I admit that, as a heterosexual who came of age when gender was a binary concept, I’ve become a clumsy reader of the signals and vibes I get “out there.” I’ve also been accused of being things I’ve never considered myself to be, like:
•a tease
•overly flirtatious
•too uptight
•too liberal, and [in the absence of closure, I’d have to go with]
•too damaged.

How does a person who religiously goes to therapy every week fix being “too damaged?”

I honestly don’t think I’m the problem. I’d love to go out with a male version of me. I think maybe the ones who think I’m too damaged are too damaged themselves to see my [inner] beauty?

I surely don’t want to have to fish for compliments and ‘status reports” all the time in my next relationship. In fact, let’s say it out loud together:

WE ARE DONE WITH THAT❣️

WE WANT AND DESERVE ONE GREAT BIG MESSY, DESPERATE PASSIONATE LOVE AFFAIR BEFORE WE RELOCATE PLANETS❣️

WE ARE FASCINATING – just think of all the boring first date conversations we’ve carried and made interesting. Not everyone can do that!

LET’S JUST TRY TO LOVE OURSELVES FOR A WHILE, because:

WE ATTRACT WHAT WE PUT OUT, and what WE put out is highly unique. It probably takes decades for huge Humpback whales to find their mates-for-life. I don’t imagine they have mixers and matchmakers. And they must be practically extinct or there wouldn’t be “Save the Whales” bumper stickers everywhere (maybe not everywhere NOW, but everywhere ONCE).

I think I’m comparing myself to a Humpback Whale now, which reminds me that I use metaphorical language a lot. I’m just not a typical, normal person.

And you know what? I’m so frigging glad❣️ The worst type of lonely is being anxiously attached and disconnected from the person lying next to you in bed. In a dry and dead marriage with someone you never should’ve married in the first place.

Been there, done that, paid my dues.

We’ll just hang out here with the Whales for a while, Thank You. 🐳

C’mon Y’all Let’s Exorcise!

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread
Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!


Don’t come back and bring your friends!
Your time with Me is at an End
I’m so sick of the Words You Say
The Words that never let me Play
I’ve told you you must pack your Bags
You’ve turned into a TOTAL DRAG
I want you out; I want to Sing
I want to be Authentic Me
All I’m Asking’s to be Free
To not Feel Shame or Misery
And Show the Truest Part of Me

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread

Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!

We’re really done; I swear it’s true
Those words so often said by you
No longer welcome Here are They
So find another place to Stay
I hate your voice and all it wants
Go find another soul to haunt!
I want you out; I want to Sing
I want to be Authentic Me
All I’m Asking’s to be Free

To not Feel Shame or Misery
And Show the Truest Part of Me

C’mon Y’all, Let’s Exercise!
Let’s Exorcise that Voice that’s in our Minds
That Voice that Loops all through our Heads
That scolds our every move and says:
You’re not enough: You Should be Dead
Well, I say: You must go Instead
I’ve sold for cheap Your words of Dread

Now Get the Hell out of my Head!!

Insomnia, You Ruthless Malcontent!

(Apparently Revised YET AGAIN on 07/06/17)


Insomnia, you ruthless malcontent!
Your designs on me leave me raw and spent.
Already the victor with the rising of the sun,
As I stand broken, 'fore the day has yet begun.
I brace myself & wobble from my tent
Approaching you with a victim's contempt
For I know you have the upper hand
as sleep is something I cannot demand

Instead I issue a plaintive cry
As I ask and beg and ask again "Why?"

"WHY are you withholding something rightfully mine?
The right to renew and kick-start my mind"

I receive no reply, no answer to my query;
No sleep, it seems, no nighttime fairy.

I see myself from far away, submitting to my fate,
When desperate thoughts embolden me to rouse one last debate.

With shattered mind, I genuflect, imploring for some peace,
Pleading for, with all my mind, an hour of sweet release.

My thoughts keep pace,
Can’t change this race
I'll never have relief.

My sorrows then,
With worries spin
Into a deep and scratchy-eyed grief.

A Child Cries, Unheard

If Grown-Up You met Little me,
Would you seize Opportunity
To Spend some Time Alone with me?
So you could have your way with me?
When Grown-Up You met Little me.

If Cunning You met First-Grade me,
And no adults were there to see,
You’d whisper that You dream of me,
Embarrassed, I would blush and freeze.
When Cunning You met First-Grade me.

If Evil You met Trusting me,
You’d kill the innocence in me.
You’d carve Your wounds of Pain on me,
And strip me of my dignity.
When Evil You met Trusting me.

Tell it, Sir, Please tell it true.
I pray there’s still some Good in You.

Please Mister, What’s Your Rationale;
What Made You Steal a Little Child?


You Swear that there’s a Voice to Blame,
A Voice Who Wears Your Face and Name.
This Voice Who Bound me to the Floor,
Is this the Voice You Can’t Ignore?

You think You’ve Gotten Rid of me,
But I’ll Haunt You Relentlessly
Expose the Hell Behind Your Eyes.
They’re all I saw before I died.

Revised 9/26/21

Insomnia, You Ruthless Malcontent!

Insomnia, you ruthless malcontent!
Your designs on me leave me raw and spent.
Already the victor with the rising of the sun,
As I stand broken, 'fore the day has yet begun.
I brace myself & wobble from my tent
Approaching you with a victim's contempt
For I know you have the upper hand
As sleep is something I cannot demand.
Instead I issue a plaintive cry
As I ask and beg and ask again "Why?"
"WHY are you withholding something rightfully mine?
The right to renew and kick-start my mind"
I receive no reply, no answer to my query;
No sleep, it seems, no nighttime fairy.
I see myself from far away, submitting to my fate,
When desperate thoughts arouse in me one last debate
With shattered mind, I genuflect and implore again for peace,

Pleading for - with all I have - an hour of sweet release.

But alas! My thoughts keep up the pace,

My mind can’t stop its race:
I'll never have relief.
My sorrows then,
with worries spin
Into a deep and scratchy-eyed grief.

The Attack on My Heart


My heart is an organ you seem to enjoy
Batting around, like a cat with its toy.
It’s been so very long since you took your love back,
My heart’s now a target for skillful attack
With such a zeal that it seems clear to me
These assaults must spur in you maniacal glee.
How did your feelings so easily flip,
Exchanging the truth for the lies on your lips?
Your professions of love are now shredded and torn,
While once full of beauty, they’re rancid with scorn.
Your poison-tipped barbs seem designed to confuse,
Perplex and provoke, berate and elude
That true Connection I swore that we shared.
Your once warm affection now has been pared,
Into a meanness of scratch, spit and bite;
Wielded by knife-words you‘ve sharpened with spite.
You seem to take pleasure in tripping me up,
Watching me fall and then ripping me up.
And though I know it’s not good for my mind,
The past is a movie I’m condemned to rewind.
All the while searching for the bits and the pieces
The clues to portend of your whims and caprices,
Or any indication the man I once adored
One day would treat me like a Ten Dollar Whore.

The Shape of Pain

No
Ow!
Stop
Hurts
Stop!!!
Please❣️
Why? ???
Please stop!
You’re hurting me.
YOU’RE HURTING ME‼️
WHY are you doing this?
What did I ever do to you?
I’ll do anything; please stop.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST STOP!
Okay, I guess I must deserve it
I was never very good at all
I probably deserve this 🥲
Could you just kill me?
I’m already dead.
Please bury me.
Tell my Mom.
Tell God?
Corpse
Stop
Bye
No
0

Thank you for Loving Me Not

Thank you dear Steven for loving me Not.
For if you had, I might not have met Scott.
You never did meet My Most Precious Self.
To keep her secure, she remained on the shelf.
I made the decision to follow my feelings
And found the conclusions to be quite revealing:
To start you must find a fully grown male,
Who’s brave enough to be Willing To Fail.
Someone who knows just fast Time is fading,
Someone who’s sick of damned Internet Dating!
Without any conflict, I hadn’t a clue
Whatever I did that so “unfulfilled” you.
My only regret’s that I wasted my time
On someone who‘s neither “Christian” nor kind.
So let’s end on Goodbye, but you MUST listen well:
Do take good care but then
GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Spring 2021, Edited October

The Language of Love

Oh to be known 
And yet loved for my flaws,
Fills me with hope and
Gives me great pause:
To think that these gifts
Come without any "ifs"
Makes your words stick,
Building trust brick by brick,
And truth day by day,
All the while the words you say
Become more real and more sincere
Arousing my trust and ousting my fear.
Creating a fanciful flight of feelings I’ve yet to know,
Could they, just this once, be my very own?
I don't have the words to describe all this new
Emotion and Growth and Questions without clues.
I only know this mystery transcends my go-to speech,
Its translation a language grasped only by us each.
And when I speak in silence, your interpretation is perfect.
But the greatest gift: you find me worthy to protect.
I feel wholly safe in your arms,
Free from danger and free from harm.

In you I’ve found treasure.
And exceptional pleasure.
All beyond measure.
2017