The Salt From Tears

THE SALT IN TEARS

Tears are important, too.

When I travel down a deep dark tunnel into a fathomless black hole of despair, I rely on my tears to remind me
I’m still a soul,
sitting in a body,
feeling sad right now.

Tears anchor and tether me; both are equally salvationary.

Enneagram Types: Defined by an Idiote

ENNEAGRAM TYPES

1s
Have their Feet planted on the ground and their Finger pointed in your face.

2s:
Where do YOU want to live? I’m a great roommate: “Mi casa Su casa” any day, but I won’t give you “Alone Time” at Either Place.

3s
Are accomplished and successful, or at least they’ll go to great subconscious lengths to make you think so.

4s
Are simply The Most Compassionate Understanding People you never want to cross. The Sole Digit on Two Hands as comfortable shedding tears as pealing laughs.

5s
Obsess with “just the facts, ma’am” and may seem a Bit Distant and a Bite Adjacent; in other words, they can be quirkily contrary.

6s
Are terrified of potential scenarios, but spend much inner dialogue identifying and executing Countermeasures to prevent them in the first place. They always show up, but have the good sense to head home if it rains.

7s
Constantly distract themselves with future dreams, especially those involving fun. Advisory: All Fantasy Must be Imagined at the 7’s leisure.

8s
If they were Bulls, would be taunting Matadors one minute and breaking China in China Shops the next.

9s
Go along to get along.
They’re invited along because They’re easy to have along,
They don’t yell for long,
And they agree with Everyone
And Almost Everything
Along the way.

I Know MY Number; Does Your Number know You?

Do you have the FOUR-sight to predict Mine?

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest

Premature Aging & A Peter Pan Complex

LATE TO BLOOM,
LATE TO FADE

I hurried up and
aged real fast over
the last couple of years.

Before that,
People always thought
I was a good 10 years younger.

ALWAYS RUSHING THINGS

I’ve always rushed my
Aging Process;
It became my “force of habit.”

Which perhaps explains
Some of the recent
Adolescent behavior,
Emotional Lability,
Vain preening,
Juvenile clothing style,
and
Lapses in judgment?

[If you say No,
I’ll just rebel anyway].

“FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF”

“FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF”

Chances are, Most People who feel sorry for Themselves aren’t doing so out of pathological Self-absorption.

Rather, most are probably doing it because Nobody felt sorry for Them when They needed Someone to.

And/Or They didn’t extend the appropriate sorrow to Themselves when They needed Someone to.

HAVE A GIANT PITY PARTY if that’s what you Need to do.

Somebody probably needs to cry for a very reasonable, Age-Appropriate Reason.

CRY, BABY

CRY, BABY

Anyone who says
“You shouldn’t Cry for Yourself”
Is a big fat liar.

You should cry for all ages of Yourself if you need to.
I know it sounds hokey, but it’s actually very freeing once you get past the embarrassment of it.

The thing is: there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

Welled-but-unshed tears are painful energy with no place to go.

If you don’t allow your body it’s natural response,

Your Body will cry for YOU!
Your soul will weep for you,
People will gnash their teeth at you,
And ultimately,
Your heart won’t beat for you.

I should know;
First-hand experience,
Multiple times,
All counts.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

APOLOGY FREQUENCY MATTERS:
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER?

98% – NEVER

It never occurred,
It never mattered;
Your Insignificance isn’t
A Significant Matter.


2% – OLD & COLD

It no longer matters.
We can’t fix the matter.
It once was ALL that mattered
[To me, at least],
But the whole matter
Exited my Gray Matter, so
I won’t weigh the matter.

The Dividends of Vulnerability

THE YIELD OF VULNERABILITY

I prefer to pen thoughts painfully,
Shine a Beam Internally,
In my search to Find in Me
Ghosts lurking Hauntingly.

Plagued by the Poisoned
Parts, Our Hearts
Were Forced To Feed and Eat;
Wounds opened non-surgically
Flood facts Indiscriminately,

Hoisting Pain On YOU From ME,
Always or Temporarily.
It’s worth the Cost:
“Expensively Vulnerable”

Pays Returns Quite Handsomely;
The End Result Astoundingly
Clears my Slate and Sets me Free
Of Forced Expectation

Regrets, Forgets, and Lapse of Judgment
The Only Fly in THIS Fly’s Ointment
Oft-pronounced; to all announced
Flies of Flawsability
I owned them all so selfishly.

My heart now holds Ready Stores
Of love I’ve searched my whole life for:
Why’d I’d never look inside before?

The Time I spent on Introspection
Burning back through Much Reflection
Invite Hopes I hope not Jaded,
Too Sun-Bleached or Over-Faded;
Pay Any Price for Inner Peace
With dividends long promised
Me;
My Investment? Self-care-ish
Time I Spent on Therapy.

The Biggest Yield is
I’m free to Feel
And Self-Reveal
What Conceals
Within my poetry:
It Shines a Beam
As Friendly Monsters Kindly
Split the Tab ‘twixt YOU and ME.

EXORCISING MONSTERS

One poem led to the next today. You can see it in the last 3 especially. Which is unusual – even for a Weirdo like me.


EXORCISING MONSTERS

Efforts spent on Effervescence
Returning Yields much High Investment.
Once Erased or Out of focus,
Under-beds, when Freed of Monsters
Thoughts Untangled freely Wander
Aimlessly amble;
Freely Wonder
Far away from the Black Hole
Of “Terribilities” up below.
When thick enough to face your fears
And See What Lies Beneath Your Tears,
You’ll soon Crush with ALL YOUR Strength,
Pull the Stops and Go the Lengths,
Fearless Fears You’ll Push Against,
Escaping; Nothing Terrifies!
So Whole is Your Piece of Mind.

BALD, BARE, & BROKEN

2006

BALD, BARE, & BROKEN

For years I spoke about my breasts,
Such Talk I now hold close to chest.
I wrote for the whole WORLD to see
Of How They Served to Ruin Me;
Their invites to The Dark Disease
Opened all doors permanently
For Death to come and gloat at me.
I keep Such Talk more private now,
Perhaps it helps me Cope somehow?

WINNERS & LOSERS

The Winner only wants to be Loved for Herself.

The Loser Leaves, not feeling as if He’s escaped with his very life…

The Winner to gloat while bloodshedding on the sharp. shattered, shit-stained shards of the Shadow of her Former Soul.

Oh well, Shit Happens!!

At least, She’ll get over it and learn from Mistakes Made. She’ll pair Her Whole Self with another Whole Self next time.

The Loser’s Unexamined life will remain Clouded by the litter of Unconsidered Mistakes.

BILE RISING

Thoughts of Sweetness make me feel Sick to My Stomach, Pained in My Heart, and Intolerably Dark today.

This combination is only Enhanced by the flood of Bile and Hatred currently Rising,

Resulting in these pesky digestion sounds I hear.

Though of course I haven’t eaten all day! I’m always forgetting to eat. My Empty Stomach makes it even Sicker.

Thank Goodness!

Rest Assured: I won’t be Happy until You’re Half as Miserable as I Am.

————————————————

Welcome to My Head once I perfected a “Thought-Stopping” Exercise I learned last year. I finally realized how/why I got Cancer twice by aged 45. And perhaps all that pain medicine was numbing more than physical pain?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 💩

It may be effective for some, but I think it’s a load of crap!

At least the way the FATHER of CBT [Albert Ellis, the old perv] describes it:

By changing what you CHOOSE to THINK, How You FEEL will naturally change in direct proportion. Think Happy Thoughts and You’ll Feel Happy!

See why I think it’s a load of bullshit?!

I don’t know about YOU, but I’ve never been IN CONTROL of what I think and feel!

In fact, I’d say the REVERSE is what THINKS and FEELS more like Truth, at least deep within MY heartmind!

TODAY! Again, 0 promises about ANYTHING >= 5 minutes from now.

Good thing I don’t have a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Appointment I have to run off to, because I’d definitely have to SKIP IT…

Straight into the Garbage Can!

Along with my all my other Discarded Old Lovers!

Where they belong❣️

P.S. I don’t intend to STOP documenting This Incipient Madness until I’ve fulfilled ANY and ALL claims of INSANITY‼️

So long as long as they’re submitted within the next 5 minutes. After that, all Whiffs of Craziness must depart; I don’t want them around if/when Sanity comes back.

There is Virtue in Suffering

There is Virtue in Suffering

Pain Resides in Us and we can’t escape ourselves despite our noble and ignoble institutions, substances, activities, behaviors, distractions, and sundry other coping behaviors to help us do so.

All immersion in suffering-displacing techniques TEMPORARILY displaces Pain, but by displacing Pain, we’re also displacing Self-Acceptance, which I believe is the seed which grows into the Giant Redwood of Joyful Wholeness. I’m not OFFICIALLY sure because I’m not there yet!

I do want to clarify: when I talk about Pain I’m talking about Feeling Pain vs. Painful Events Occurring in a person’s life. If we survive both of them, we come out Overcomers or Victims, respectively.

I think I decided to allow Pain to have its way with me when I got sick and tired of being victimized by what felt like was Everybody, Everyone, and Everything. I was living my entire life in the Adult Biped Version or the Human Fetal Position. I don’t know that I’m NOT now.

But at least I KNOW IT, HAVE PROCESSED IT, AM WORKING ON IT, AM WRITING ABOUT IT, and AM SHARING IT.

By doing all of these things, I am bursting my bubbles, dashing my hopes, tarnishing my image, shattering my ego, losing my dreams, disappointing others instead of myself, burning my bridges, clearing my slates, starting at zero (zero is delicious), beginning again, growing into, becoming, expanding my options, opening doors, breaking ceilings, running deep, running low, running high, running new, and STARTING OVER.

At MY age!! And with all of my wretched disgusting awful brokenness, I STILL can’t believe how wonderful the person I’m turning into is becoming! I know it sounds corny, but when you’re not running away from yourself, you realize you’re not so bad. Maybe you’re even pretty amazing.

Thanks to Everyone [SO much] for going on this journey with me❣️ I honestly think it’s very brave of you.

Though Grace 🌞 has always been here, and she’s still alive to tell about it!! ♥️

ALSO: I know I’ve mentioned it before, BUT IN CASE ANYBODY MISSED IT, Everyone DOES realize I’ve written the ENTIRETY of this blog with my Right Thumb on the WordPress App on my IPhone 12 Mini, Right? I’m blind, dead, and dumb because of it [yes, I said “desd”], so hopefully you’ll excuse any typos.

PLUMB YOUR DEPTHS

When I plumb depths, they terrify.
I’ve glimpsed into the Hells I Hide.
Secrets lurk so Dark Inside,
Monsters, Pain, and Anguish, too;
The Empty Void Awaiting You

Won’t be avoided; Screams,
“Reflection!”,
Can’t escape a Soul’s Infection
Eating from Your Sharpest Place.
This Yawing, Grasping, Clutching Space
Demands Bestowal with a Name.
You call it “Evil”; That’s in Vain

Because you’re not that Bad!
Mistakes Aplenty Lives should have;
They reinforce a Search Within,
A Search, well-sought, yields Many Gifts.

Confrontation is the only Glue,
Beams the Shine and Lights the View
And makes the Search less scary, too.

(Thanks to DDP for the photo)

A TASTE OF IT

I may be smart but really dumb
At MY age to sign up to Run
And Chase You and other Sons-of-Guns
Who want to house me Under Thumb.

It’s time I find Myself a Clue,
And Get the Hell AWAY from You!

I’ll hold Myself both Tall and Free.
Newly Freed, I’m Free Indeed,
Bursting with the Fully Free
Freedom Only Found in Me.


(Thanks to @nicholasampson for the photo)

FRIENDS GET HARD TO MAKE!

One Lesson I have Learned with age?
Friends get Really Hard to Make!

Take Sacred Bonds for Granted?
You’ll cry Nights Alone and Stranded

With no Friend to Catch your Tears;
Friends get Scarce with Passing Years.

When you have a Dearth of Them,
[Boyfriends – a whole Earth of Them!]
Which Ties are the Preciousest?

Those who clearly, dearly, yearly, and most sincerely
Truly Want What’s Best for Us❣️

Thanks for the perfect photo, @hannahbusing).